Until There Were Lists

“Hey, Curt!”

“Hey, Dennis. Givin’ the old car a polish, eh?”

“Yeah, she can use it. Hey, how’s the medieval scholarship going?”

“Oh, you know. You win some, you lose some.”

“Yeah? Keepin’ you busy?”

“Oh, man, it never stops. It’s always something in the medieval scholarship game.”

“Really? What do you do, exactly?”

“Uh…well, you know how it is. A little scholarship here, a little, uh, medieviality there.  Say, how’s the insurance business treating you?”

“It’s fine. What I mean is, what exactly do you do? What are your actual duties as a medieval scholar?”

“I’m sure you wouldn’t be interested, Dennis. It’s pretty dry.”

“No, really, I’m quite interested. How many people can say their next-door neighbor is a medieval scholar?”

“Not a lot of people. I guess.”

“So, what’s the story? What’s a typical day for you?”

“Um…”

“Just give me the abridged version.”

“Well, you know. I’ll, uh, get up, have some orange juice, and head to the place, the place I work…”

“The university?”

“Yeah, there. And I’ll go look at some medieval books, and do, uh, do some research. Find out some things that maybe people don’t know about the medieval zone. Or, times. Time zone. We also call it the, uh, the ‘middle ages’.”

“Uh huh.”

“And then, you know, some lunch, at, uh, well, you know there’s a really good cafeteria at the, um, university, where I, uh, scholar, and a lot of the kids eat there, so I’ll go have a burrito, you know, keepin’ in touch with the young people. That’s a big part of it.  And then, really, it’s just back to the office to write a, uh, what is it?”

“A monograph?”

“No, no, you know, like a short paper dealing with some aspect of a scholarly discipline. In my case, you know, medieviality. Like, I just did one for Medieval Scholar’s Digest about, uh, the economic, uh, crusades of Lord Sidney Montgomery and King, uh, King Arthur. Er. Or maybe I’ll call up some other medieval scholars…”

“Like who?”

“Oh, phew! There’s, uh, there’s Greg, and Russ, and Dr. Smith, and, uh, Professor, uh, Turtlewax…I mean Turtletaub.  And there’s another guy also named Curt…”

“Hmmm.”

“And we’ll just, you know, talk about what’s up in the world of medieval scholarship.”

“Huh.”

“Of course I sometimes sneak in a little Angry Birds, you know how that goes, right buddy? Ha ha.”

“Ha ha. You’re not really a medieval scholar at all, are you, Curt?”

“What? Sure I am! What a question. Didn’t you see my business cards?”

“Your business cards that say ‘CURT BILLINGS, MEDIEVAL SCHOLAR AND NOTARY PUBLIC’? The ones with a unicorn on them? Yeah. You could have gotten those anywhere. They don’t even say where you teach.”

“Yes they do!”

“They say ‘Prestigious College, U.S.A.’ The number on them is a pay phone.”

“Budget cuts.”

“Come on, Curt.”

“What?”

“What do you really do for a living?”

“I’m a mediev..”

“Curt.”

“I restock the produce section at Piggly Wiggly. Also, I’m a notary public.”

“So what’s the medieval scholar thing all about?”

“Well, when I was in high school, everybody looked up to the kids who did medieval scholarship. They always got all the attention, and they would date cheerleaders and stuff. When they’d have the medieval scholarship tournaments, the whole school would show up and go crazy.”

“Uh…”

“And the captain of the medieval scholarship team was our homecoming king, and he went on to start his own car dealership. I guess I just wanted to glom on to some of that medieval scholar’s glory.”

“Curt, did this medieval scholarship team wear helmets and shoulder pads?”

“Yeah. And these cool gold and green uniforms. I guess it was something to do with heraldry or something.”

“And did they play games on a big field with, er, other medieval scholars, using a brown ball?”

“Yeah.”

“See, that was a football team.”

“What?”

“Not a medieval scholarship team. Football. Football is a popular team sport, while medieval scholarship is an obscure, little-studied academic discipline.”

“Well, fuck.”

“Sorry, man.”

“Do you know how much those business cards cost me?”