In professional foot-ball’s “Super Bowl”, the New England Patriots, owned by a man who vocally supports a rich, horrible billionaire authority figure, defeated the Atlanta Falcons, vocally supported by an owner who is a rich, horrible billionaire authority figure. This brings to a close America’s most recent sporting season; until such time as the baseball season begins and we can briefly pretend that our team has a chance of winning, we must unite under the only banner that can still unify us. I refer, of course, to making lists of athletes with amusing names.
The Funny Names Foundation hereby presents its 2016-2017 All-Star lineup.
ADJECTIVES
Teal Bunbury, Tyler Cravy, Ryan Dull, Zach Elfin, Jesper Fast, Doug Free, Justen Glad, Zack Godley, Robert Golden, Denzell Good, Todd Gurley, Kevon Looney, Mike Pouncey, Tye Rattie, Eddie Royal, Patrick Sharp, Marcus Smart, Drew Smyly, Auston Trusty, Jerel Worthy
DELICIOUS
Eli Apple, Demetrius Cherry, Allen Crabbe, Tyler Danish, Channing Frye, C.J. Ham, Jake Lamb, Corey Lemonier, Jack McBean, Taybor Pepper, Denzel Rice, Chaz Roe, Frostee Rucker, Jacquiski Tartt, London Woodberry
JUST FUNNY, GENERALLY
Sven Andrighetto, Gideon Baah, Jett Bandy, Jay Beagle, Bizmack Biyombo, Brad Boxberger, Buddy Boshers, Travaris Cadet, Carter Capps, Rakeem Christmas, Jadeveon Clowney, John Condo, Scott Darling, Seth DeValve, Spencer Drango, Dilly Duka, Ego Ferguson, Nick Goody, Chris Gragg, Kevin Gravel, Kendall Graveman, Didi Gregorious, Heath Hembree, Temmarick Hemingway, Nene Hilario, Julian Honka, Spencer Keiboom, Damien Magnifico, Barkevious Mingo, Zaza Pachulia, Richard Panik, Kristaps Porzingis, Buster Posey, Baccari Rambo, Jacquizz Rodgers, Jimmie Sherfey, Cecil Shorts III, Harry Shipp, Jack Skille, Dreamius Smith, Bubba Starling, Philip Supernaw, Jordin Tootoo, Joel Vermin, LaAdrian Waddle, Paul Zipser
LATINX MASHUPS
Cristhian Adames, Ehire Adrianza, Wuilmer Becerra, Dellin Betances, Sócrates Brito, Welington Castillo, Cheslor Cuthbert, Odrisamer Despaigne, Roenis Elías, Diego Fagundez, Deolis Guerra, Yuli Guriel, Jandel Gustave, Kiké Hernández, Juancho Hernangomez, Rymer Liriano, Yoan Mancada, Rougned Odor, Yangervis Solarte, Giovanny Urshela
MEN OF ACTION
Brandon Belt, Dragan Bender, Latif Blessing, Alexandre Burrows, Cody Cropper, Reagan Dunk, Buck Farmer, Derrick Favors, Vernon Fiddler, Prince Fielder, Michael Frolik, Josh Gorges, Margus Hunt, Storm Johnson, Mike Leake, Thon Maker, Deiontrez Mount, Dennis Parks, Otto Porter, Brooks Pounders, Darius Slay, DeAndre Smelter, Josh Smoker, Nate Solder, Brandon Spikes, Tiago Splitter, Ryan Spooner, Jake Stoneburner, Carson Tinker, Cole Toner, Wil Trapp, Blake Treinen, Jordan Tripp, Max Tuerk, Will Tye, Christian Walker, Marvell Wynne
NEXT-GENERATION MAFIOSI
Johnny Barbato, Marco Belinelli, Andrew Benintendi, Joe Biagini, Drake Caggiula, Chandler Catanzaro, Gavin Cecchini, Tony Cingrani, Frank Corrado, Joseph Cramarossa, Matthew Dellavedova, Anthony DeScalfani, Jimmy Garoppalo, Chris Ianetta, Adam Liberatore, Trey Mancini, Marc Mariani, Devin Mesoraco, Shawn Morimando, Mike Muscala, Justin Nicolino, Jake Odorizzi, Alex Peitrangelo, Tyler Saladino, Marco Scandella, Adam Vinatieri, Danny Vitale, Joey Votto, Sal Zizzo, Mats Zuccarello
NICKNAMES
Kiko Alonso, Mookie Betts, Tank Carder, Rookie Davis, Jumbo Diaz, Yogi Ferrell Jr., Scooter Gennett, Victor “PC” Giro, Tuffy Gosewisch, Ziggy Hood, Buster Skrine, Ish Smith, Lucky Whitehead, Fozzy Whittaker, Scooby Wright III
OKAY THEN
Vytautus Andriuskevicius, Giannis Antenokounmpo, Bismark Adjae-Boateng, Agus, Vontaze Burfict, Nordly Capi, Leonte Carroo, Gosder Cherilus, Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, Leger Douzable, Shaun Draughn, Zemgus Girgensons, Shayne Gostisbehere, Hroniss Grasu, Baggio Husidic, Kyle Juszczyk, Captain Munnerlyn, Rakeem Nuñez-Roches, Tuukka Rask, Matt Szczur, Beno Udrih, Jihad Ward, Blidi Wreh-Wilson
PARENTAL DISCRETION ADVISED
Antonio Bastardo, Willie Beavers, Tyler Bozak, Jermon Bushrod, Patrick Doody, Rudy Gay, Pierce Johnson, Kaká, Jake Layman, Alec Ogletree, Brad Peacock, Azizi Shittu, Wendell Smallwood
POSSIBLY ROBOTS
Daniel Braverman, Jason Chimera, Coy Craft, Mix Diskerud, Dante Exum, Derek Forbort, Freddie Freeman, Lawrence Guy, Brandon Guyer, Richie Incognito, Jake Lampman, Nick Mangold, Vince Mayle, Max Moroff, Cedric Peerman, Taurean Prince, DJ Reader, J.T. Riddle, Mallex Smith, Sunday Stephen, Brandon Workman, Metta World Peace
TRIGGERING SPELLCHECK
Semaj Christon, Darquese Dennard, Tyreke Evans, Kortne Ford, JaMychal Greene, Montrezl Harrell, Jrue Holiday, JaCoby Jones, Kenwyne Jones, Shelvin Mack, Sen’Derrick Marks, E’Twuan Moore, Ashtone Morgan, Dejounte Murray, Nerlens Noel, Jhonny Peralta, MyCole Pruitt, KaiVerae Russell, Za’Darius Smith, Taijuan Walker, Justise Winslow
WASPs
Dakota Barnathan, Tucker Barnhart, Cameron Brate, Parker Bridwell, Beau Brinkley, Madison Bumgarner, Lonnie Chisenhall, Tyler Clippard, Britton Colquitt, Brock Coyle, Mason Crosby, Coby Fleener, Blaine Gabbert, Garnet Hathaway, Bradford Jamieson IV, Boone Jenner, Case Keenum, Kory Lichtensteiger, Whit Merrifield, Dillon Overton, Brayden Point, Dalton Prout, Chad Qualls, Hunter Renfroe, Weston Richburg, Keegan Rosenberry, Garrison Sanborn, Warwick Saupold, Tanner Scheppers, Chasen Shreve, Gannon Sinclair, Ross Stripling, Colton Storm, Dansby Swanson, Jameson Taillon, Kelby Tomlinson