I don’t really care for outdoor music festivals. For one thing, I am a hundred and seventeen years old, and it is something that young people do, like smart drugs, the Banana Sprite Challenge, and being a well-dressed neo-Nazi. It also robs being outdoors of its major appeal (peace and tranquility), and robs noisy rock concerts of their major appeal (not turning into a stinking muddy shithole if it rains). Finally, there is no band in the world that is worth paying $900 to not hear because you were throwing up in a Port-a-John.
All of which is to say, I will never, ever go to Coachella. But that won’t stop me from presenting part 3 of my series where I try to summarize the nature of this year’s acts that I’ve never heard of before. I think my success rate is equally as good as your chances of enjoying yourself at a festival concert!
- Porter Robinson & Madeon: Former third-string point guard for the Sacramento Kings and his much younger girlfriend. Half-assed electro-funk. Disliked by Stephen A. Smith.
- Marshmello: Farty synth-pop from Colorado. Went from being ironically wholesome-seeming to just actually wholesome. Still maintain a MySpace page.
- Galantis: Horrid blend of jazz fusion and salsa music. Drummer is Guinness-certified as the world’s fattest. Name was originally “Galactus”, changed after threat of lawsuit from Marvel.
- Kehlani: Forgettable contemporary R&B with lots of butt sex references. Cites primary influences as “Sia, Madea, and Aaliyah”. Former Disney Channel summer replacement.
- Kaytranada: Double-majored in History of Trip-Hop and Hotel Management. Invented the foot-operated turntable. Tours with sister, female vocalist Endulisha.
- A Tale of Us: First, but not last, band who originally met at a renaissance faire. Self-described “medieval folk revivalists”. Favorite comic is Strangers in Paradise.
- Tove Lo: Sweden’s most notorious gangsta rap group. Once spent almost five weeks in prison after a series of brutal drug murders. Smuggles craft beer to Denmark.
- Jack Garratt: Smoky-voiced television star with side line in acoustic guitar strumming. Wrote his own theme song. 97% chance it’s pronounced “guh-ROT”.
- Klara: German indie-pop. Lead singer resembles Blossom, only all grown up. Host a TV series back home where rhinos and zebras made of felt explain free market economics.
- The Belleville Three: The world’s only Uncle Tupelo cover band. Also contains two members of Uncle Tupelo. Prefer getting around on old-time pennyfarthing bikes..
- Maya Jane Coles: Female singer-songwriter whose work is sold exclusively at Starbucks, to people who work at Starbucks. A Tracy Chapman imitator at a time when the nation is in need.
- What So Not: Indie rock trio from some college town in the Northeast. Own no t-shirts with sleeves. Winner, 2017 Coachella !!! Memorial Cup for Least Searchable Band Name.
- PNL: Glitchy laptop electronica by three guys with lumberjack beards. Cascadia activists (name stands for Pacific Northwest Liberation). Self-described “asexual hetero bears”.
- NAO: Glitchy laptop electronica by three different guys with lumberjack beards. Anti-Cascadia activists (name stands for Northwestern Anti-Secessionists Only). Flannel-of-the-Monthers.
- GoldLink: Band created for and sponsored by an on-line gold exchange company. Big hit was “We Will Buy Your Dookie Rope”. Formerly the 1-877-Kars-For-Kids Band.
- Allah-Las: All-girl teen Islamaphobic doo-wop. Funded by Pamela Geller. Band most likely to start rock-throwing riots if they ever tour Lebanon.
- Marcel Dettmann: Belgian specializing in chillwave. Voted “Most Relaxed Man In Ghent” seven years running. Wears a different smoking jacket for every day of the week.
- SOFI TUKKER: Glitchy laptop electronica from the Ukraine. Smuggle grenade launchers between club dates. Describe themselves as “the last of the red-hot xenophobic nationalists”.
- Whitney: Runner-up on 9th season of American Idol despite having no memory of being on the show. Whitest person to ever cover “A Change is Gonna Come”. Almost certainly from Arizona.
- Patrick Topping: Likes to say “of the Dessert Toppings”. Actually of the Orpington Toppings of Pratt’s Bottom. Thinks wearing a tie makes him “rogueish”.
- HONNE: Glitchy laptop electronica from the Netherlands. Play the same song with minor variations for two hours and hope no one will notice. The official band of technocracy.
- Tourist: Pop-punk band from obscure San Diego suburb. Use the word ‘sheeple’ at least three times on every album. For people who find Green Day too complex and subtle.
- Preoccupations: Glum post-goth. Favorite venue is empty houses in abandoned real estate developments. Will break up after Coachella and partially reform as Postoccupations.
- Hannah Wants: ’90s alternative survivalists. All videos feature the moon wearing unusual headwear. Biggest influence: Natalie is Freezing.
- Anna Lunoe: Nonspecific protest folk. Claims to be descended from seven different Native American princesses. Studied windmill dancing under Stevie Nicks.
- Grace Mitchell: Sister-act crooner from the 1940s. 93 years old and deeply confused about where the other Mitchell Sisters are (they are all deceased). No one knows how she got booked.
- Show Me the Body: Aggressive Christian metalcore. Songs are equally about misguided damnation and University of Tennessee football. Worst-smelling band on the ticket.
- Jen Ferrer: Seven-foot-tall acoustic freak-folk act. Deliberately obscures her ethnic origins to maximize press coverage. Occasionally breaks out a citole solo.