LARGEST FINANCIAL COMPENSATIONS I HAVE RECEIVED FOR WRITING THIS BLOG
1. $280,750 from Henry Kissinger: for keeping my mouth shut
2. $55,000 from Paragon Electrical Sex-Novelties of Daegu, South Korea: for dropping the lawsuit
3. $1,000 per week for the duration of the blog from Raymond “Benzino” Scott: for continuing to mention his name on occasion
4. $250 from Yakov Smirnoff: for writing “in Russia, blog writes you!” joke
5. jack fucking shit from anyone: ongoing
FAILED LEGIONNAIRES
1. Timbre Wolf (power to sing in a five-octave vocal range)
2. Duplo Damsel (power to transform objects into interlocking blocks)
3. Colossians Boy (power to recall any Bible verse at will)
4. Flouncing Boy (power to swan about in a melodramatic fashion)
5. Mon-O (power to make his opponents ill after kissing them)
JUDGING A BOOK BY ITS COVER
1. Tom Clancy’s Ghostwritten High-Tech Men’s Adventure
2. CBS’ Short-Lived ‘Scrubs’ Knockoff
3. Craphole, MT
4. I Was a Teen Gross-out Comedy
5. The Sheboygan Fatty Foods Diet
IN FOR 2014
1. prick-lit (aggressively written urban novels about male stockbrokers)
2. ironic walkers
3. Shakespeare revivals (not of his plays, but attempts to actually reanimate his corpse)
4. Welsh-style pizza (lamb, leeks & Caerphilly)
5. the Not-So-Special Olympics (for athletes who are not mentally challenged, but rather just lazy, stupid and untalented)
UNANTICIPATED SEQUELS
1. She II: Her
2. The Golden Globe: Frankie Fane’s Revenge
3. Bruce Jenner Presents Can’t Stop the Music 2
4. Xana Deux
5. Giglier
CANDIDATES FOR THE NEW “NEW BLACK”
1. dried calla lillys
2. Oxycontin
3. ecru
4. blacks
5. Tourette’s Syndrome
UNPOPULAR BALLPARK FOODS
1. Poutiney Tahini (Rogers Centre, Toronto)
2. The Black Lung Burger (PNC Park, Pittsburgh)
3. The Stench-of-Failure-ito (Minute Maid Park, Houston)
4. The Sesame Seed Bunt (Coors Field, Denver)
5. The “Second Chance” Recycled Hot Dog (Comerica Park, Detroit)
BOY SCOUT FUNDRAISERS
1. Satan’s Lucky Summoning Circle
2. Boy Scout “Cookies”
3. Fascism Jamboree
4. X-Tort-O brand Protection for Small Businesses
5. Do Anything You Want to a Cub Scout for $20
SURPRISING CHARACTERISTICS OF THE FAMOUS MONSTERS OF FILMLAND
1. Frankenstein’s Monster: spoke in affected Yiddish accent
2. The Wolfman: is technically a dholeman
3. Dracula: is not actually Vlad Tepes the Impaler, but a Vlad Tepes the Impaler impersonator who also happens to be a vampire
4. The Creature from the Black Lagoon: later moved to the Integrated Mixed-Income Lagoon
5. The Invisible Man: was never invisible, but is so socially awkward and embarrassing that people just pretend that he isn’t there
BAD BODYGUARD AGENCIES
1. Sissy Mary’s Guard-Your-Body
2. Kennedy-Hoffa Protection Services
3. Of-10-L8, Inc.
4. Suspiciously Ethnic Security
5. New Age Bodyguards: We Guard The Soul Within