Ladies and gentlemen, in keeping with our recent attempt to take this blog back to its roots, we are pleased to present the greatest guest columnist this site has ever had. We are honored more than we can express by the opportunity to present to you these exclusive excerpts from I A.I.M. for the Stars: A Life in Killing, the autobiography of MODOK. We tried to get more pictures of him, but, you know. He gave us the whole ‘do-I-look-like-a-mental-organism- designed-only-for-spending-several-hours-in-the-Hamptons-standing around posing for-Annie-Liebovitz’ routine.
“I would like to thank all the pitiful insects who made this book possible. In particular, I would like to thank my co-writer, Arnie Pendleton. He is not here today, having dared to alter the words of his betters, but his assistance was invaluable in proving my world-conquering genius once in for all. As to the wrongful death suit filed by his soon-to-be-deceased family, all I can say is: he knew who was signing his checks.”
“Before I became MODOK, I was no one. The day I was transformed was the day I came to life. How could I have known my purpose when I was the putrid non-entity ‘George Tarleton’? ‘George Tarleton’ is not a name — it’s not even an acronym. What was he designed for? Was he designed at all? Was he a mental organism, or some other kind of organism? The name tells you nothing. All his driver’s license, the sole remainder of the clumsy ant I once was, tells you is that he wanted to be an organ donor. The temerity!”
“It is true that I have accomplished much in my career. But, as one of the cretinous weaklings given the name ‘genius’ before I fulfilled the promise of the word once said, if I seem tall, it is because I am standing on the shoulders of giants. (Although technically, I do not stand, but hover.) If it were not for those who came before me — here I think specifically of Mental Organism Designed Originally for Transporting Cargo but Later Adapted for Killing, Mental Organism Designed Also for Killing, and Mental Organism Designed Only for Designing Mental Organisms Designed Only for Killing — I would not be here today.”
“Of course, my career is going to look shaky if you only hear the Hulk’s side of things. One of the reasons I am writing this book is to tell those stories which were never allowed to be written — to finally give voice to my disenfranchised brothers and sisters like Big Head, Rock Face and Puny Human.”
“Things did not work out with Ms. MODOK and I. That is no secret, and I am the first to admit it. The healing cannot begin until I admit my errors, and it is time to face up the the fact that I could have been more of a partner to…wait a minute! MODOK does not have to explain himself to you vermin!”
“People think that just because I am a mental organism designed only for killing, that killing is my solution to everything. Not true! Sometimes, capturing and killing later is the right approach, or imprisoning and then executing. MODOK’s fail-safe advice: one can never go wrong by releasing the somna-gas.”
“What happened between Joey Heatherton and MODOK stays between Joey Heatherton and MODOK. If you want a smutty tell-all book, I suggest you go and buy a piece of trash like the Absorbing Man’s autobiography, The Real Creel.”
“”The simple truth is, even if you are designed only for killing, you cannot go through life doing nothing but kill. You must sleep, scheme, devise fiendish punishments for your underlings, and so forth. But believe me, I never intended to become a Mental Organism Designed Only for Descending into a Nightmare Spiral of Drugs and Financial Troubles.”
“Yes, it is true: the foolish scientists who designed me were Bernie Worrell and George Clinton of Parliament-Funkadelic. You can look it up. I don’t understand it either, but I’ll tell you this: I don’t get one goddamn penny in royalties from ‘Flashlight’.”
“In the end, dear readers, success is a journey, not a destination. A journey that has led me all over the world and finally has arrived here, in this book. I am grateful you took the journey with me. Now I will destroy you! Destroy you all!!!”