Let us say, just for the sake of argumentation, that you find yourself on the editorial staff of a large national men’s fashion or entertainment magazine. This is nothing to be ashamed of; certainly, it is humiliating and embarrassing, but we all must make a living. Should you wake up one day in this position, you must handle the situation with grace and good humor, as you might an embarrassing disease like hyperhidrosis or genital warts. However, be warned that you will be required, at some point, to feature on the cover an entertainer of modest renown. You must do many things to keep your job: have him photographed in a flattering light wearing an expensive suit that looks as if he slept in it; take him to lunch at a restaurant with a one-word name that has only been open for seven months or less; and, most importantly, construct a cover headline that will tell the reader that he has a vague but strangely insistent attitude towards his current fame and fortune.
This can be very difficult, but we are here to help. Simply ask the nerd who fixes your computer when it does that one thing with the VPN for some “percentile dice” and consult the following table. The headline will be “EMILE HIRSCH/BRENDON URIE/MILO VENTIMIGLIA IS _________”.
01 HERE TO STAY
02 BUSTING LOOSE
03 PLAYING BY HIS OWN RULES
04 MAKING IT BIG
05 IN HIS ELEMENT
06 TAKING IT EASY
07 RIGHT ON TIME
08 THE LAST MAN STANDING
09 HERE FOR YOU
10 PLAYING IT COOL
11 NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS
12 CLOSE TO THE EDGE
13 SINGING A DIFFERENT TUNE
14 IN IT TO WIN IT
15 THROUGH FOLLOWING ORDERS
16 UP FOR GRABS
17 PLAYING THROUGH THE PAIN
19 COVERING HIS BASES
20 LOOKING GOOD
21 GETTING DOWN TO BUSINESS
22 PLAYING FOR KEEPS
23 SHAKING THINGS UP
24 ON A ROLL
25 MAKING A COMEBACK
26 LEAVING HIS MARK
27 TAKING HIS SHOT
28 GOING ROGUE
29 OUT OF BOUNDS
30 KICKING THE HABIT
31 FINDING HIS HAPPY PLACE
32 ON THE MARKET
33 OFF THE MARKET
34 OFF THE RESERVATION
36 LIVING THE HIGH LIFE
37 LIVING THE GOOD LIFE
38 LIVING THE LIFE
39 COMING HOME
40 TAKING CHARGE
41 OUT OF PATIENCE
42 WITHOUT LIMITS
43 BIGGER THAN LIFE
44 BREAKING OUT
45 EVERYWHERE HE WANTS TO BE
46 TAKING A STAND
47 TRAVELING FIRST CLASS
48 WORKING HARD
49 BLOWING UP
50 GETTING THE WORD OUT
51 SINGING THE BLUES
52 GOING FOR IT
53 SHEDDING HIS SKIN
54 OUT OF TIME
55 IN CONTROL
56 MAKING HIS MOVE
57 PASSING THE TORCH
58 REAPING THE REWARDS
59 STAYING IN HIS LANE
60 SHOWING YOU HOW IT’S DONE
61 LEADING BY EXAMPLE
62 A MAN WHOSE TIME HAS COME
63 THINKING BIG
64 STAYING TWO STEPS AHEAD
65 TESTING THE WATERS
66 NOT BACKING DOWN
67 CROSSING THE LINE
68 READY FOR HIS CLOSE-UP
69 HOLDING STEADY
70 CLIMBING THE LADDER
71 PAYING HIS DUES
72 THE KING OF (BLANK)
73 THROUGH BEING COOL
74 NOT WAITING HIS TURN
75 ROLLING WITH THE PUNCHES
76 GETTING BETTER ALL THE TIME
77 TRUSTING THE PROCESS
78 KEEPING THE FAITH
79 ALL BUSINESS
80 ALL WORK AND NO PLAY
81 THE REAL THING
82 THE GENUINE ARTICLE
83 THE TRUTH
84 A MAN FOR ALL SEASONS
85 GOING WILD
86 GROWING UP
87 LEARNING HIS LESSON
88 KEEPING A PROMISE
89 SHOWING YOU HOW IT’S DONE
90 WALKING THE LINE
91 HAVING IT ALL
92 PLAYING YOUR SONG
93 WORKING AN ANGLE
94 SETTING THE PACE
95 A MAN ON A MISSION
96 THE LAST ACTION HERO
97 OLD SCHOOL
98 PUTTING HIS BEST FOOT FORWARD
99 SPEAKING HIS MIND
100 BREAKING THE CODE