ON THE INTERNET
To Do and Say
- TO THINK: “I have not been completely inundated with self-validation about _____.”
- TO SAY: “Am I the only person in the world who thinks _____?”
- TO THINK: “I am irrationally excited by the overly familiar.”
- TO SAY: “Squeeee“
- TO THINK: “I do not know the facts.”
- TO SAY: “I’m sorry, but those are just the facts.”
- TO THINK: “I have insufficient information to have an informed opinion about _____.”
- TO SAY: “The problem is that you’re focused on _____, when the real problem is _____”
- TO THINK: “My job and/or home life is extremely unfulfilling.”
- TO SAY: “This altered photograph of Gene Wilder as Willie Wonka should make my feelings on this matter clear.”
TO DO: A woman has asked to be treated with a modicum of respect. Explain why she is a dirty whore.
- TO THINK: “It is really a matter of public health.”
- TO SAY: “You are fat.”
- TO THINK: “I cannot be bothered to articulate my thoughts on this issue, because I am playing Angry Birds.”
- TO SAY: “Meh.”
- TO THINK: “I am having an affair with your sister.”
- TO SAY: “I think it’s sad that you can’t learn to trust other people.”
- TO THINK: “I am desperately insecure.”
- TO SAY: “I have just checked in as the new Mayor of _____.”
- TO THINK: “Everyone is wrong but me.”
- TO SAY: “There are extremists on both sides of this issue.”
TO DO: Justify your own constant appropriation of other peoples’ work while scolding someone about creator’s rights.
- TO THINK: “I cannot comfortably conceive of a person whose tastes are at variance with my own.”
- TO SAY: “If you don’t like _____, I don’t think we can be friends.”
- TO THINK: “I take offense at everything.”
- TO SAY: “I take offense at that.”
- TO THINK: “I am a dolt.”
- TO SAY: “tl;dr”
- TO THINK: “I find my own neuroses endlessly fascinating.”
- TO SAY: “I guess I just don’t conform to your mainstream standards.”
- TO THINK: “I am a huge asshole.”
- TO SAY: “I am the moderator of a Men’s Rights forum.”
TO DO: Oh, no, it’s raining! Tell your friends in other parts of the country how they have no idea what bad weather is really like.
- TO THINK: “I have no idea what is happening, what is happening, make things stop happening”
- TO SAY: “Reply: All”
- TO THINK: “I think of other people primarily as marketing tools for my personal obsessions.”
- TO SAY: “Please RT”
- TO THINK: “I have just read the Wikipedia entry about _____.”
- TO SAY: “Obviously, you don’t know anything about _____.”
- TO THINK: “I did not write this.”
- TO SAY: “This is problematic.”
- TO THINK: “I am a hypocrite.”
- TO SAY: “I am on the internet.”
TO DO: Explain someone else’s joke to them.
An amazing series of japes! I really enjoyed reading this.
Yay! Fun!