Ladies and gentleman of the American public; friends, supporters, well-wishers, and all gathered members of the press:
As the 2012 election draws ever closer, we find ourselves facing what may well be the most important decision of our lives — and perhaps the most important decision in the life our our nation. Not since the days of the Civil War, or maybe the Vietnam War, or that one other war that people get all worked up about, has America seemed so divided. We are torn, it would appear, between Republican and Democrat, red and blue, urban and rural, liberty and security, Slippery Nipple vs. jug of corn likker with three Xs written across it. Faced with divisive issues ranging from abortion to the war in Afghanistan to high unemployment to what we should do about those terrorists who blew up Valencia, Americans seem as if they are at odds like never before.
But I believe that Americans are not at odds. They are at evens. Even Stevens, I would say as a catchy, memorable campaign slogan, if my name was Steven, or even Stephen. Or, I suppose, Even Stephen. But my name is Leonard, which, much to my campaign manager’s chagrin, does not rhyme with anything. Pierce rhymes with fierce, which they tell me is too scary-sounding, and Bierce, which is too highbrow, but whatever. My point is this: I believe we are not a people apart; we are a people a-together. I believe we are not two nations, but one, plus whatever D.C. and Puerto Rico are. I believe we are not divided: we are united. We are simply waiting for someone to tell us what we are united about.
I also believe I am that someone.
As we are gathered here today, in front of the cool glow of these things we look at the internet on, or I might say for our English-speaking friends “on which we look at the internet”, we are united in many things. We are united in our opposition to or support of stem cell research. We are united in our desire to see our children grow up and move out of the house. We are united in our concern that the people less fortunate than ourselves will not stop bothering us. We are united in our faith, whether it is in Jesus or in whoever else will join Jesus in the fight against Muslims. We are united in our passion for nacho-encrusted tacos and animated GIFs of famous people saying things. And we are united in our hatred of the seven Jew bankers who control everything from a secret bunker in Taxachusetts.
I believe that the job of President of the United States is one that pays $400,000 per year. Is that right? Tom, is that right? Wow. That’s a lot more than I’m making now, and that, plus reasons of my greatness and the united-ness thing I was talking about earlier, is why I would like to announce my candidacy for the position of President. Actually, what I would really like to announce is my election to the position of President, but I guess there’s a bunch of stuff we have to go through first. So, let’s get it over with.
Many people have asked me, or will ask me, or probably have thought about asking me: why, Leonard, are you qualified to be President of the United States? Well, look at the guy who’s in there now, that’s for starters, I mean, Christ. You know what I mean, don’t make me say it. But in another sense, it is my firm opinion that in order to be president, a candidate must be born in the United States, must have lived here for 14 years, and must be at least 35 years old. And since I have never been at-least-35-years-olderer than I am now, I feel confident in saying that there has never been a time when I have been more qualified than I am at this moment, and I literally become even qualifiederer with every passing day.
Of course, there is more to being president than just having seven years more experience than is necessary for the position. Admittedly, I have never been elected to high office; I have never been elected to any office, in fact. I have never won anything except tickets to a Tina Turner concert in 1984, and they were shitty. There is no contest of my peers in which I have ever emerged victorious. But far from making me a “loser” and a “social pariah”, as my campaign manager likes to put it, I believe this makes me the ultimate political outsider: a man so completely uncorrupted by the system that he wouldn’t know the system if it got stuck in his asshole. (This is me being “earthy”. Please make a note of it.) In fact, I am so much of a political outsider that I am running as the official candidate of the Outsider Party, which I just made up and of which I am the only member. Please do not confuse this, however, with the Batman and the Outsiders party, which I believe is running Metamorpho this year. Fuck that guy.
For balance’s sake, I would like to announce that my running mate will bring to the position of Vice-President a keenly honed political sensibility, a hard-edged realism, a charming and folksy public face, and an ability to win over the press without resorting to narcotics-fueled babbling or nonstop swearing. Unfortunately, I don’t know anyone who even remotely qualifies as having such traits, so I’m going to go ahead and pick Uma Thurman as my running mate, because she seems like she has a lot on the ball, plus she’s hot. You can trust her, because she probably already makes a lot more than $400,000 a year and won’t have any incentive to rip off the Treasury like I have.
The first questions anyone has of a potential president have to do with his position on the issues. I appreciate that, and I hope to have some positions on the issues as soon as I find out what they are. In the meantime, I will point out that unlike my potential opponents, I am not a Negro crazy Mormon, either of whom who will probably eat a baby at his inauguration if allowed to win. I am simply a true-blue, red-blooded American war hero and film star who will lead our country forward — forward in the sense of going the direction opposite of backward, as well as “fore-ward” in the sense of “not aft”, so we will be going the way that the wooden lady on the front of the ship is and not the way the toilet is; and “forward” in the sense of sexually aggressive, which I am hoping will make a positive impression on my running mate, Uma Thurman. I will be outlining more of my platform as the days progress and my campaign manager sobers up, but in the meantime, I know I can count on all your votes, since the Terms of Service for accessing this website contain legally binding language to that effect. Thank you, and God bless Canada. No, wait! America.