It’s New Year’s Day. For millions of people, it is a day of resolutions: of promises to one’s self or one’s loved ones to be healthy, to meet new goals, to expand one’s understanding of the world. Many will make today the day they dedicate themselves to becoming better spouses, better parents, better people. It is a time of growth, of renewal, of re-invention; a time of assessing what is important about who you are, and making changes in your life that will make you prouder of that person.
At least, that’s the way it is for nowhere loser pussies. For the rest of us, this weekend is all about college football.
Since 1767, when the Yale State Tycoons beat the Washington Jefferson Founding Fathers in the first annual Super America Bowl, college football dominance has been settled by a completely rational, air-tight computerized system of “bowl games”, so named because of the way the overstressed teenage athletes vomit into a bowl beforehand while contemplating how their entire financial future hinges on being judged by a burned-out talent scout during the 30 seconds they will be on television. Since most of the money in college athletics is tied up in not paying the only people who anybody cares about, many bowl games have been forced to take on corporate sponsors to ensure the ongoing quality of merchandising profits. These sponsorships can change on a yearly basis, so we’ve compiled this guide to the past and future of college football bowl games.
THE NORTHWESTERN MUTUAL ROSE BOWL
Location: Pasadena, CA
Target Audience: People who enjoy gardening and actuarial tables
Former sponsors: AT&T; Sony PlayStation 2; CitiBank; Vizio
Future sponsors: The Police Benevolent Association of Pasadena’s Accidental Shooting Fund
THE CAPITAL ONE ORANGE BOWL
Location: Miami Gardens, FL
Target Audience: People who have bad credit and citrus cankers
Former sponsors: FedEx; Discover Card
Future sponsors: Chester’s Chicken Platinum Visa Card
THE ALLSTATE SUGAR BOWL
Location: New Orleans, LA
Target Audience: People who are diabetics with clean driving records
Former sponsors: United States Fidelity & Guaranty; Nokia
Future sponsors: MoneyStealers Bank
THE GOODYEAR COTTON BOWL
Location: Arlington, TX
Target Audience: People whose clothes are made by slave labor for slave labor
Former sponsors: Mobil; Southwestern Bell; SBC/Ameritech
Future sponsors: Global MegaOmniCorp
THE CHICK-FIL-A BOWL
Location: Atlanta, GA
Target Audience: People whose racism is informed by deep religious beliefs
Former sponsors: none
Future sponsors: The American Truth and Reconciliation Commission on Poultry Genocide
THE BATTLEFROG FIESTA BOWL
Location: Glendale, AZ
Target Audience: People who have no earthly idea what in the name of God “BattleFrog” can possibly be
Former sponsors: Sunkist; IBM; Tostitos; Vizio
Future sponsors: White Flight Realtors
THE HYUNDAI SUN BOWL
Location: El Paso, TX
Target Audience: People who are afraid of solar power and both Koreas
Former sponsors: John Hancock Financial Services; Norwest Bank/Norwest Corp.; Wells Fargo; Vitalis; Brut
Future sponsors: Glorious Moonshroud Ground Tortoise Healing Balms
THE TAXSLAYER GATOR BOWL
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Target Audience: People who live in Florida, hate paying taxes, and love listening to Slayer
Former sponsors: Mazda; Outback Steakhouse; Toyota; Konica-Minolta; Progressive Insurance
Future sponsors: Big Lou’s “Pay Me Monday” Personal Loans
THE BUFFALO WILD WINGS CITRUS BOWL
Location: Orlando, FL
Target Audience: People who buy the “Zingy Lemon FrickFrack” flavor at Buffalo Wild Wings
Former sponsors: CompUSA; OurHouse.com; Capital One
Future sponsors: Bail Bonds by Mr. Shay of Wekiva Springs
THE AUTOZONE LIBERTY BOWL
Location: Memphis, TN
Target Audience: People who don’t let how so-called “President” Hussein Obummer has destroyed our Constitutional rights get in the way of a good deal on a headlight restoration kit
Former sponsors: St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital; AXA Insurance
Future sponsors: Doherty’s Infant Firearms
THE CAMPING WORLD INDEPENDENCE BOWL
Location: Shreveport, LA
Target Audience: People who own more than six portable televisions
Former sponsors: Poulan Saw Company; Weed Eater; Sanford Writing Instruments; MainStay Suites; PetroSun Energy; AdvoCare Nutrition; Duck Commander Duck Calls
Future sponsors: Claremont Repurposed Rubber Bands, LLC
THE NATIONAL FUNDING HOLIDAY BOWL
Location: San Diego, CA
Target Audience: People who drank too much at the Christmas party and told the boss his revenue projections were fucked
Former sponsors: Sea World; Thrifty Car Rental; Plymouth Motors; Culligan Water Softeners; Pacific Life Insurance; Bridgepoint Education; National University
Future sponsors: Jerry’s Learn-‘Em-Up Colleges University
THE MOTEL 6 CACTUS BOWL
Location: Tempe, AZ
Target Audience: People whose children never visit
Former sponsors: Domino’s Pizza; Weiser Lock; Insight.com; Buffalo Wild Wings; TicketCity
Future sponsors: TarTaser RV Burglar Alarm Systems
THE VALERO ALAMO BOWL
Location: San Antonio, TX
Target Audience: People who are always saying “Is it hot in here? Are you hot? It’s not just me, it’s hot, right?”
Former sponsors: Builder’s Square; Sylvania Appliances; MasterCard
Future sponsors: Ant-Man 4: An Ant for All Seasons Funko POPs
THE IDAHO POTATO COMMISSION FAMOUS IDAHO POTATO HUMANITARIAN BOWL
Location: Boise, ID
Target Audience: People who can only understand humanitarian values when expressed through the medium of fried foods
Former sponsors: Crucial.com; MPC Computers; Roady’s Truck Stops; uDrove Compliance Management
Future sponsors: EnsuringUniformStandardizationInTheOffMarketAutomobileComponentsManufacturingSupplyLineIndustryAllStars.com
THE FRANKLIN AMERICAN MORTGAGE COMPANY MUSIC CITY BOWL
Location: Nashville, TN
Target Audience: People who think their triple reverse mortgage was a smart move
Former sponsors: American General Insurance; Homepoint.com; Gaylord Hotels; Bridgestone Tires
Future sponsors: The Donald Trump Presidential Library & Classy Car Wash
THE LOCKHEED MARTIN ARMED FORCES BOWL
Location: Fort Worth, TX
Target Audience: People who believe the military is too soft on the people it kills in wars
Former sponsors: Plains Capital; Bell Helicopter
Future sponsors: Larkin-Mariposa Remote Assassination Drones
THE NORTHROP GRUMMAN MILITARY CONGRESSIONAL BOWL
Location: Annapolis, MD
Target Audience: People on government pensions who oppose food stamps
Former sponsors: EagleBank
Future sponsors: Revelation 6:7-8 (KJV)
THE FOSTER FARMS SAN FRANCISCO BOWL
Location: San Francisco, CA
Target Audience: People who are trying to impress angel investors
Former sponsors: Diamond Walnuts, Kraft Foods
Future sponsors: Blopsy.com Self-Activating Suicide Kiosks
THE ROYAL PURPLE LUBRICANT LAS VEGAS BOWL
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Target Audience: All future slave-hordes of the mighty Kr’zax empire
Former sponsors: EA Sports, Sega Sports, Pioneer Electronics, MAACO
Future sponsors: Run! Run! Tiny Fools, There is No Place in All the Universe You Can Hide from the Grim Fate That Awaits You in the Kr’zax Hell-Mines and Energy Drink, Inc.