The many flavors in your ear.
Charles Mingus is wrong, you see. Mingus is the first (and the greatest, though he’ll have some stiff competition) jazz musician we see, idly coaxing some low mournful notes out of his upright bass in the spacious London loft of jazz aficionado Rod Hamilton (played with maximum glad-handing by Richard …
The year was 1952. America was in the throes of a post-war boom, with all that entailed: a surging economy, the rosy afterglow of a massive communal effort and the subsequent decline in political unrest, and a still-tangible sense of national unity. But this warmth and prosperity came with a …
Dear Mr. Pierce, This letter is to inform you that you must immediately cease & desist all production on your musical theater project, Tracksuit American. This so-called ‘musical comedy revue’ infringes on a number of Burger King Holdings, Inc.’s registered trademarks, which are fully protected under United States intellectual property …
ALTERNATE INSTITUTIONS SEN. JOSEPH McCARTHY HAD CONSIDERED CLAIMING WERE HEAVILY INFILTRATED BY COMMUNISTS BEFORE SETTLING ON THE ARMY, THE STATE DEPARTMENT AND HOLLYWOOD 1. The National Forest Service 2. Ventriloquists 3. The cement industry 4. The Idaho Department of Weights & Measures 5. Bozeman, MT LITTLE-KNOWN ROMAN GODS 1. Capitata …
The world today is a violent place. Terrorism, war, genocide and bloodshed are in the headlines every day. But in the rush to find a culprit — drugs? a turning away from religion? video games? — no one has considered the most obvious suspect of all: national anthems. In nearly …
It should have been an amazing success. Thanks to the out-of-court settlement of a number of lawsuits, the permanent destruction of the audition footage, and the unfortunate hot dog coma of a major production company executive I am not at liberty to name, I can finally talk about my near-miss …
So, it’s bores again, did we? A particularly fine-fettled specimen of the bore, who can easily be found in the used clothing and liquor-dispensing sectors of our cluttered metropoli, is The Man Who Saw Them Before They Sold Out. Surely you have seen him, in his all-too-well-fitting pants and his …
Hi! I’m Blue! You may remember me from the color of a sunny sky, or the clothes you wore when you were a baby if you were a boy, or from the color scheme of a sports team you may enjoy. Perhaps you’re familiar with the feeling of calm and …
Two more hours of Idol tonight! I might literally die, and then I’d never know what eventual winner I will fail to buy any records from. Tonight is exactly the same set-up as last night, only with the boys, so let’s get right to it. Keith Urban is wearing a …
At this point in my life, I have been watching American Idol for 12 years — a longer time than I have done practically anything else, including date a woman, hold a job, or refrain from taking narcotics. My primary concern is just trying to remember everyone’s name, which is …
A dreamily short entry tonight, and thank God for it, since I feel like I’ve been recapping this show for twenty years now. I’m not sure what tonight is supposed to accomplish, but then I am reminded that (a) this is the final night of Hollywood Week, where Idol treats …
It’s LADY WEEK in Hollywood! That means lots of crying, although let’s be honest, the guys were a pretty weepy lot this time around, too. After a boring recap of last week’s nonsense (lines of ten in single performance, followed by extra-brutal group round), we experience a strong push for …
DECISION IN THE CASE OF CITY OF NEW YORK VS. M. MORALES, a.k.a. “PRINCE MARKIE DEE”; D. WIMBLEY, a.k.a. “KOOL ROCK-SKI”, & D. ROBINSON, a.k.a. “BUFF LOVE”, JULY 29, 1984 IN THE MANHATTAN CRIMINAL COURT, JUDGE RUBIN PRESIDING. Gentlemen, As you know, you have been tried and found guilty by …
American Idol keeps happening and I seem powerless to prevent it. It has become an eternal force of torment in my life, like gravity and speed humps. I try to extricate myself from its clutches but it drags me down again and again. It has happened for three hours so …
Hello again, hopeless Idol junkies! We’ve finally reached the brutal and systematic destruction of the human spirit that is the Hollywood round, which means that soon, praise be to Allah, I will only be recapping this show once per week. I know there’s the results show to contend with, but …
