Yes, I am trying to be funny.
Food-addicted man-hog that I am, I somehow manage to miss key developments in industrial nutrition technology. I often fail to see the consumption-enhancement forest for the new-flavor-of-Slurpee trees, to put it another way; by way of example, despite its fascinating nature and evocative name, I only just yesterday found out …
1. EVASIVE: Do you think you’re a nasty girl? 2. DEMOCRATIC: All right, everybody, let’s get a show of hands. If you think she’s a nasty girl, raise your hand and say ‘aye’. 3. PSYCHOLOGICAL: It’s not really important whether or not I think you’re a nasty girl. 4. SOCIOLOGICAL: Just …
Gotham’s Crown Point Currency Exchange is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. That is why Julian Gregory Day is there. “I don’t sleep much anymore,” he explains to the man in line behind him, an army-coated Croatian with a bandage on his ear through which fresh blood …
Dear geeks, Congratulations! It is my understanding that you have taken over mainstream culture recently, and while this has caused consternation in certain quarters, I am the magnanimous sort, and besides, whenever someone says the words “culture war”, my eyes glaze over like a Honey Baked Ham. It has, however, …
Ever since Al Gore invented the internet, one question and one question alone has haunted the minds of scholars and charged passionate debates among the world’s great thinkers: which website has the world’s worst comments sections? Over the years, a number of consensus favorites have arisen. For sheer number of …
This article is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. Every time someone asks me why I hate Cubs fans so much, I’m just going to send them a link to it. It’s a perfect encapsulation of their moronic faith in a team that has achieved the status of …
So, up until today, the Republic jobs plan has been, essentially, to throw rolled-up balls of newspaper at the President and yell “Sucks to your jobs bill!” But the man who brings them their evening cognac has apparently made them aware of some discontent amongst the rabble, so they took …
Act I, Scene 1 Barnardo, Francisco, Horatio and Marcellus, castle guards at Elsinore, the home of the king and queen of Denmark, are working the night shift. Having passed the evening without an appearance by the mice that plague the building, the conversation soon turns to ghosts[1]. The spirit of …
It’s hard to write anything like this without seeming to endorse a second term for Barack Obama. This is difficult for me to do, since I’ve generally found Obama to be a Clintonian disappointment; he’s squandered one political opportunity after another, bowed down before the G.O.P. with barely a struggle, …
And now it’s time for another exciting installment of LEONARD GIVES ADVICE TO WRITERS EVEN THOUGH HE IS TERRIBLE! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One of the biggest problems in writing fiction is giving a character attributes that you, as a writer, do not possess. “Write what you know”, they say, and if, for …
So everyone is bitching and moaning that the awesome new debt ceiling deal is going to be bad for the economy. Liberals are all running around saying that Obama went all Cave Carson on the deal, and that all the austerity measures, which are totally necessary because America doesn’t have …
1. Playing competitive basketball 2. Attending the University of Hawaii 3. Attending Hawaii Pacific University 4. Attending North Idaho College 5. Competing in beauty pageants 6. Attending Matanuska-Susitna College 7. Working as a sports reporter 8. Working as a sports broadcaster 9. Serving on the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation …
Since I’ve been unemployed, I buy all my books at Wal-Mart. They only offer three kinds of books (religious, self-help, and monster-based romance), none of which I enjoy, so it keeps me from spending too much money. Today, I was up at the Wal-Mart on the Austin Highway, and I …
Hi, publicists! You know I love you. You’re the reason I don’t pay for music. You help me make a living, sort of. But you don’t like wasting your time any more than I do, so here are a couple of tips that will save us both precious seconds we …
Yes, that’s right: there is a brand new Wasted Words podcast for your enjoyment. What happens? I’ll tell you what happens, why don’t I. RJ White: becomes flustered. Tony Zaret: has his lunch made the subject of guesswork. Andrew Lin: thinks his baby is more important than getting drunk. Olivia …
