Yes, I am trying to be funny.
“Tell me again about the flying machines.” “Do I have to?” “Oh, yes, Margaret-Mary! That I do long to hear.” “Could you at least call me Maggie?” “Maggie is undiginified, darling. A woman should always carry herself with the utmost bearing. Margaret-Mary has weight to it. Maggie is what one …
The world today is a violent place. Terrorism, war, genocide and bloodshed are in the headlines every day. But in the rush to find a culprit — drugs? a turning away from religion? video games? — no one has considered the most obvious suspect of all: national anthems. In nearly …
It should have been an amazing success. Thanks to the out-of-court settlement of a number of lawsuits, the permanent destruction of the audition footage, and the unfortunate hot dog coma of a major production company executive I am not at liberty to name, I can finally talk about my near-miss …
Ever since the dark days of the Second World War, the controversial figure of Adolf Hitler has been a rich vein of Hollywood portrayal. While the judgment of history on this remarkable man — misunderstood genius? political visionary? overly effective patriot? — is still pending, it cannot be denied that …
Congratulations. By picking up this pamphlet, you have made a very courageous act: you have admitted that you are susceptible to one of the many myths about mechomorphism (or MM). And admitting that you have a problem is the first step towards correcting that problem. Through understanding, acceptance and constant …
“Your hair is very nitid by the candlelight, Rebecca Moraine.” “Uh…thank you.” “Did you know that your surname indicates an accumulation of earth and stones carried and finally deposited by a glacier?” “No. It’s French, I think.” “Are you enjoying your crustacean meal?” “Not really.” “What is the matter? Has …
April 22. Went to the thrift store to buy a new Sunday suit. Afterwards Nestor and I stopped at the Sizzler for dinner. I was going through the tublets of fixin’s for some cucumber slices and I set him down by the three bean salad. He was munching on some …
When is food too more cooked, lick with ice. Problem areas will be rapidly discarding. When is food not enough cooked, cook for more. When is food too salty, cut raw potato and add to bubble. Discard when bubbling is of the past. When is food to sweetly, put in …
So, it’s bores again, did we? A particularly fine-fettled specimen of the bore, who can easily be found in the used clothing and liquor-dispensing sectors of our cluttered metropoli, is The Man Who Saw Them Before They Sold Out. Surely you have seen him, in his all-too-well-fitting pants and his …
And now, this site proudly presents the first of an occassional series of ravings by your crazy uncle Henry, entitled “Henry, You Don’t Mean It”. Henry can be reached at the TV store down by the coffee shop, where he angrily contradicts pre-recorded news broadcasts. *** When I die, I …
Regular readers of this site — hey, you three! — will know that I regularly feature long-form film criticism of movies both old and new. You may not know, however, that I see about ten movies for every one I write about, and time simply doesn’t permit, nor quality …
INCIDENT LOG, 06.20 1900 hrs – arrived for duty – relieved Duty Officer Lothar the Civic 1907 hrs – dispatch: Royal Dungeons, Dwarf City of Kang – 12 kobolds – D.O. action: disposal – valuables left at scene: none 2042 hrs – dispatch: Slag Pits of Morthor – 3 firedrakes …
And now, ladies and gentlemen — but especially ladies! — it’s time for an exciting set of Wisdom Flirtinis from the adorable pink leather-bound notebook of Betty Ray Insensata, the Feminist Who’s Unclear on the Concept! “A woman without a man is like Lance Armstrong without a bicycle.” “People call me …
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Chief Justice, President Obama, Vice President Biden, Senator McConnell, Dr. von Hellish, fellow citizens: We observe today not a victory over death but a celebration of life — symbolizing an end as well as a beginning; signifying renewal as well as change. My return to the world …
MON-EL’S BIGGEST COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE THOUSAND YEARS HE SPENT IN THE PHANTOM ZONE 1. No cable 2. General Zod wouldn’t stop telling that one story about how he first decided to become an astronaut 3. Friday Night Fish Surprise was just Mrs. Pal-El’s Fish Sticks with sprig of parsley 4. …
