Yes, I am trying to be funny.
Dear Mr. Lombardo, My apologies for contacting you so presumptuously, but I think you’ll be so excited about the program I’m proposing that you’ll forgive my having bypassed the normal channels. For years, HBO has been enjoying success with historical drama — millions of viewers have enjoyed your network’s gripping …
A novel is in many ways a lonely, solitary endeavor. But, curiously, it is also a collective enterprise — a seeming contradiction for which I am extremely grateful. The following acknowledgments are long overdue. – Shout out to God. Peace to all the gods and the earths. As-salamu alaykum. – …
Each year at this time, the Grady McPhailey Foundation releases a list of the annual recipients of the McPhailey Foundation Scholarship Grant, popularly known as the ‘Grady Train’. Mr. McPhailey, heir to the McPhailey Ear Shortener fortune, spent his 72 years on Earth attempting to be a poet. Although he …
MY N.F.L. PICKS FOR THE 2013-2014 SEASON (IN ASCENDING ORDER OF FINISH) 32. Cleveland Browns. Frankly, this is just confusing. Is it the color brown? If so, it’s too conceptual to win. Is it a person named Brown? If so, it all depends on if he’s closer to Jim than …
LARGEST FINANCIAL COMPENSATIONS I HAVE RECEIVED FOR WRITING THIS BLOG 1. $280,750 from Henry Kissinger: for keeping my mouth shut 2. $55,000 from Paragon Electrical Sex-Novelties of Daegu, South Korea: for dropping the lawsuit 3. $1,000 per week for the duration of the blog from Raymond “Benzino” Scott: for continuing …
Let us say that you are an average American consumer, and you have taken it on yourself to purchase a combination shotgun/rod and reel so that you can recreationally kill two kinds of wildlife at once. During a commercial break near the end of the evening’s episode of Law & Order: …
Wednesday, Sept. 11 5:00 PM (CBS2) News (NBC5) News (ABC7) News (WGN9) Sabrina the Teenage Witch: Sabrina is drowned by the townspeople for consorting with the Devil. (PBS11) I Can Slaughter That!: home butchery. 5:30 PM (PBS20) Charlie Rose: Charlie interviews the song “Joe McCarthy’s Ghost”. (WCIU26) Let’s Laugh with …
The year was 1952. America was in the throes of a post-war boom, with all that entailed: a surging economy, the rosy afterglow of a massive communal effort and the subsequent decline in political unrest, and a still-tangible sense of national unity. But this warmth and prosperity came with a …
“Hello?” “Is this Wanda?” “Yeah…who’s calling?” “This is Andy!” “Uh…” “You remember! Andy! From high school!” “I’m afraid I don’t…oh, wait a minute.” “See, you remember!” “Oh, my God!” “Uh huh!” “Oh, my God. I remember you and Marty Leffler stole that garbage truck from the city vehicle impound lot…” …
Superman! Superior man! A man who’s better than the other men If you are a man and you think you’re great, you might be right But you’re definitely not as good as Super Man! Batman! Man of bats! A man who is dressed like a bat and that makes him …
“Fred, you have to believe, we want to help you.” “That’s what you keep telling me.” “The Army, if nothing else, takes care of its own.” “That’s what you say. I say they’re sticking me with a head-shrinker because I’m a problem they don’t want to deal with.” “Fred, don’t …
Dear Mr. Pierce, This letter is to inform you that you must immediately cease & desist all production on your musical theater project, Tracksuit American. This so-called ‘musical comedy revue’ infringes on a number of Burger King Holdings, Inc.’s registered trademarks, which are fully protected under United States intellectual property …
Coming this fall from FOX — the smallest reality show ever will also be the biggest! From the producers of Zero-Sum Dating, Slut-Shame Mansion and World’s Most Abusive Husbands comes the series that everyone said we couldn’t do. Too daring, said the suits. Too risky, said the censors. Too clearly …
ALTERNATE INSTITUTIONS SEN. JOSEPH McCARTHY HAD CONSIDERED CLAIMING WERE HEAVILY INFILTRATED BY COMMUNISTS BEFORE SETTLING ON THE ARMY, THE STATE DEPARTMENT AND HOLLYWOOD 1. The National Forest Service 2. Ventriloquists 3. The cement industry 4. The Idaho Department of Weights & Measures 5. Bozeman, MT LITTLE-KNOWN ROMAN GODS 1. Capitata …
PFC Miller, Spec/9 Taylor and Cpl. Laredo: This one was no big deal. I don’t even know why this is being brought up against me. It was the designated duty of Spec/9 Taylor to inspect the Apache for engine flaws and mechanical problems and the like, not the designated duty …
