Yes, I am trying to be funny.
I got out of the business back in ’89, right before the bottom fell out. Nowadays there’s not much room for competition. It’s just like any business: once it gets going, and the big boys see that there’s money to be made, they start buying up the smaller competitors, and …
Open on the set of a gay porno film. We see some hot action as the star, a mustachioed young fellow with a gold chain around his neck, throws it to a willowy blond stud. He reaches a climax and the director cuts the action, giving the two a chance …
Don’t get me wrong: I’m not bitter. A lot of people, they think I’m bitter, because of what happened. But I’m not. I’m not the kind of guy to be bitter. I had a good run. It’s not like I ain’t thankful for what I got. Believe me, I am. …
“Well, how’d you know it was Him, Jimmy, is my question.” “I just knowed it.” “Now, how’d you ‘just knowed’ somethin’ like that? You don’t ‘just know’ that somebody’s the Lord Jesus Christ returned to Earth.” “Some things you just know, Clint. Like, instinctually.” “What’d He look like?” “About what …
Do You Have To File? Of course you have to file. What, do you think you’re special or something? With your fancy lawyers, or your inability to speak English? You think that means you don’t have to pay taxes? Well, surprise, surprise, Mr. I Think I’m Exempt From Government Regulations: …
Hello, nerds! Welcome to Seattle. In honor of your arrival in my town, and in lieu of the original content I had oped to present to you on sunday at ECCC, I present to you “Taking Acid and Talking About Superman With a House Full of Thalidomide Castoffs”, or “Jimmy Olsen’s …
It was Eddie Wolz who first come to me with the idea. He says his brother Chick has this guy needs a favor. A long time ago, before Chick Wooley was on the cover of Look, this guy done him a favor, sort of helped him get over in the …
To: Dr. Carl Wynand <cwynand@sci.duke.edu> From: Dr. Alyssa Stark-Palatine <astark_p@sci.duke.edu> Subject: Progress on Project Bedtime Carl — I appreciate the time and effort you put into Project Bedtime. And I know it’s a prestige project; it’s already a big name in the journals, and there’s a lot of Hollywood …
“Hey!” “What? I can’t hear you.” “HEY!” “I can’t hear you from up here. Let me come down there.” “You can’t park that thing here.” “What’s that, friend?” “You can’t — what is that thing? You can’t park that here.” “I thought this was a parking lot.” “It is, but…” …
The first-time visitor will, first of all, want to blend in, and second of all, amass a large personal fortune under the local economic system. This allows the advance scout to make preparations for the invasion in privacy and solitude. Don’t be taken in by counterproductive rhetoric: money does matter. …
“Greeting.” “Counter-greeting, establishment of identity of Speaker #1.” “Polite inquiry establishing identity of Speaker #2?” “Confirming statement. Expansion on answer to place setting and time.” “Response to set up reader expectations; deliberate invocation of mise-en-scene.” “Affirmation. Background information providing exposition.” “Counter-reference expanding on previously stated expository material.” “Vague invocation of …
Hello, I’m Gary Owens. You may remember me as the voice of beloved cartoon superhero Space Ghost, or from my many appearances on television’s Laugh-In. But what I’d like to talk to you about tonight is no laughing matter. It’s Labor Day Weekend, and as I do every year at …
“Taylor.” “Chief, I know. It’s just that…” “Taylor. Don’t talk. Listen.” “All right.” “What is the press going to say?” “…” “You can talk now.” “The press will say what we tell them to say.” “They’re not going to buy this, Taylor.” “You always said that journalists were dumb, chief.” …
To the voters of the great state of Montana, I, Horace Nettleton, campaign manager for the Great Azkar, have been ordered to issue this statement to you in hopes of clarifying certain issues which have recently come to the public attention. It is to be hoped that when each of …
