I Ain’t No Good Man
I know it’s hard. I know how hard it is. And I know how easy it would be not to try, because that’s the way the world is built: for you not to try. For you to give up. The world will always give you a million reasons not to …
Category: Essays
Too long; do not read.
BKC&D
Dear Mr. Pierce, This letter is to inform you that you must immediately cease & desist all production on your musical theater project, Tracksuit American. This so-called ‘musical comedy revue’ infringes on a number of Burger King Holdings, Inc.’s registered trademarks, which are fully protected under United States intellectual property …
A Minor Place
Coming this fall from FOX — the smallest reality show ever will also be the biggest! From the producers of Zero-Sum Dating, Slut-Shame Mansion and World’s Most Abusive Husbands comes the series that everyone said we couldn’t do. Too daring, said the suits. Too risky, said the censors. Too clearly …
Dinner and a Movie
“Tell me again about the flying machines.” “Do I have to?” “Oh, yes, Margaret-Mary! That I do long to hear.” “Could you at least call me Maggie?” “Maggie is undiginified, darling. A woman should always carry herself with the utmost bearing. Margaret-Mary has weight to it. Maggie is what one …
Mad I Tell You
It should have been an amazing success. Thanks to the out-of-court settlement of a number of lawsuits, the permanent destruction of the audition footage, and the unfortunate hot dog coma of a major production company executive I am not at liberty to name, I can finally talk about my near-miss …
Die Sterne des Bühne und Leinwand
Ever since the dark days of the Second World War, the controversial figure of Adolf Hitler has been a rich vein of Hollywood portrayal. While the judgment of history on this remarkable man — misunderstood genius? political visionary? overly effective patriot? — is still pending, it cannot be denied that …
What We Talk About When We Talk About Good Acting, Or, Curse You Young Oscar
The recent death of Dennis Farina led me to watch Michael Mann’s Manhunter for the first time in years, and from thence Jonathan Demme’s The Silence of the Lambs. Thanks to time, tide, and certain mores of the Internet Age, the former is now often trumpeted as the truly great Hannibal Lecter …
Left-Handed Form: The Stakes
“You can’t tell me this shit can’t get done without people beatin’ on each other, killin’ each other, doin’ each other like dogs — and without all that, you ain’t got Five-0 down here on our backs every five minutes, throwin’ us around and shit. You think Five-0 care about …
Someone’s In the Kitchen with Malice
When is food too more cooked, lick with ice. Problem areas will be rapidly discarding. When is food not enough cooked, cook for more. When is food too salty, cut raw potato and add to bubble. Discard when bubbling is of the past. When is food to sweetly, put in …
And Myles to Go Before We Sleep
So, it’s bores again, did we? A particularly fine-fettled specimen of the bore, who can easily be found in the used clothing and liquor-dispensing sectors of our cluttered metropoli, is The Man Who Saw Them Before They Sold Out. Surely you have seen him, in his all-too-well-fitting pants and his …
Left-Handed Form: The Professionals
The first of an occasional series of posts about crime, both in its real-world manifestations and its portrayal in popular culture. The title of the series comes from the great 1950 noir The Asphalt Jungle, in which the moneyman Roland Emmerich describes crime as “a left-handed form of human endeavor”. *** …
Hoping You Won’t Be Too
Hi! I’m Blue! You may remember me from the color of a sunny sky, or the clothes you wore when you were a baby if you were a boy, or from the color scheme of a sports team you may enjoy. Perhaps you’re familiar with the feeling of calm and …
Zombies of Calabasas
Sofia Coppola, after an initial period of wunderkind delight, seems to have settled into the role of a director that people want to like more than they actually like her. She followed up the very good The Virgin Suicides with the great Lost in Translation, but that was chased by the problematic Marie Antoinette …
I Will Get By, I Will System Shock Survive
INCIDENT LOG, 06.20 1900 hrs – arrived for duty – relieved Duty Officer Lothar the Civic 1907 hrs – dispatch: Royal Dungeons, Dwarf City of Kang – 12 kobolds – D.O. action: disposal – valuables left at scene: none 2042 hrs – dispatch: Slag Pits of Morthor – 3 firedrakes …
Pain and Truth
Dealing with the death of famous people is an emotionally thorny proposition. No matter how much you might have cared for their work, you didn’t really know them, and it seems almost intrusive to mourn them the way you would a friend or a family member. And, of course, death comes …