From time to time, this website offers a current events quiz feature, so that our readers may feel au courant in these confusing times. Herewith, our January 2016 edition.
1. The Powerball lottery prize this week was a world’s record $1.5 billion. Who won this colossal prize?
(a) A young couple from Omaha, Nebraska, who spent their winnings on more lottery tickets
(b) Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, who laughed heartily and said “I don’t even need this fucking money”, then paid a couple of hobos to kiss
(c) That guy from the duck show, is that guy still a thing? Probably that guy
(d) An unarmed 22-year-old black male, who was subsequently shot to death by police after exuberantly celebrating his victory by dancing in a convenience store parking lot
2. The Syrian civil war has cost thousands of lives and triggered a refugee crisis throughout Europe. What has the U.S. government suggested as the best solution for the ongoing conflict?
(a) Killing people by dropping bombs on them
(b) Killing people by launching missiles at them
(c) Killing people by using flying robots on them
(d) Sending American troops to Syria and killing them with those
3. Pharmaceutical CEO Martin Shkreli has been the subject of much controversy in recent weeks. What has he done?
(a) Bought the only existing copy of the Wu-Tang Clan’s The Wu: Once Upon a Time in Shaolin and deleted all the tracks except for Cappadonna’s verses
(b) Purchased air time on every network to sit around doing nothing but reveal Star Wars: The Force Awakens spoilers
(c) Acquired rights to vital anti-toxoplasmosis medication, then sat around eating entire supply by the handful going “YUM YUM, SO GOOD”
(d) Basically just been a pharmaceutical CEO named Martin Shkreli
4. Rock star David Bowie died at the age of 69 from cancer after recording one final album. What was Bowie’s greatest accomplishment?
(a) Being second-most famous rock musician to be named David Jones
(b) Starring in enough fantasy & science fiction-adjacent films to make nerds pretend they really liked his music
(c) Making it fashionable to be thin, white, and of noble birth
(d) Earning millions of dollars from his Martian spider import business
5. Real estate magnate/television personality Donald Trump is currently in the lead to become the Republican presidential candidate in the 2016 election. What is his latest campaign promise?
(a) To hire Barack Obama to be his assistant president in order to immediately fire him
(b) To use his name recognition to increase the value of the “America” brand
(c) To personally arrange for everyone who votes for him to get a coupon for a free pizza-pie of their choice
(d) To become best friends with Vladimir Putin, or to punch him in the back of the head, whichever will make America greater
6. Terror attacks throughout Europe and Africa by members of Islamic radical groups such as ISIS, Boko Haram, and al-Q’aeda have led to widespread panic. What are the demands of these groups?
(a) An end to American military and political presence in the Middle East, or a Cubs win in the World Series, whichever is easier to arrange
(b) One of those gold passes where you get free McDonald’s for life
(c) The institution of sharia law in Tulsa, Oklahoma
(d) For George R.R. Martin to get his ass busy and finish the last Game of Thrones book, already, seriously, dude
7. A group of self-identified American patriots led by the sons of rancher Cliven Bundy have occupied a federal wildlife refuge. What is their primary complaint?
(a) Federal penalties for arson entirely too strict when applied to white people
(b) Wi-fi rates at Super 8 are ridiculous
(c) U.S. government has no legal right to own property, by royal decree of Emperor Festus III of Hookers Bend, Tennessee
(d) Were not receiving sufficient media attention when they occupied the Golden Tee machine at the Clackamas Dave & Buster’s
8. A geological disturbance in North Korea has been identified by some as a hydrogen bomb test. Where did the rogue state acquire such weaponry?
(a) Kidnapped hydrogen bomb from China, forced it to star in propaganda films
(b) Recovered plans from stone carvings made by former leader Kim Il Sung when he was Crown Prince of Cavemen
(c) Purchased on Silk Road, along with 3 bumps of cocaine and nude photos of Kim Kardashian’s baby, for thirty bitcoins
(d) Designed by glorious leader Kim Jong-Un while flying around the world backward to bring Lois Lane back to life
9. Actor Sean Penn was the subject of controversy this week when he obtained an exclusive interview with Mexican drug cartel kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, who was captured soon after. What was his most pressing question for the internationally wanted criminal?
(a) “Have you seen The Gunman, starring celebrated Hollywood star Sean Penn as black ops mercenary Jim Terrier?”
(b) “Does ‘El Chapo’ mean ‘the chap’? Because it sort of seems like it would.”
(c) “If you were an illegal narcotic, what kind of illegal narcotic would you be?”
(d) “Can you describe in exact detail how your brutal enforcers will murder me once it becomes clear that I was instrumental in your arrest and recapture?”
10. The water supply in the city of Flint, Michigan, has been found to be contaminated to such a degree that it may have caused the death of dozens of people. Why was the government so slow to react to the poisoned water?
(a) Unpoisoned municipal water supplies are a privilege, not a right
(b) Did not wish to interfere with the functioning of the free market, where relatively poison-free water can be purchased for a very reasonable fee
(c) Demographics of Flint’s population found to lack certain desirable qualities that would motivate government to provide clean drinking water
(d) Meant to prevent water from becoming disease-ridden toxic sludge, but phone rang, and then UPS guy came buy, and then were late for work, and you know how it goes, time just got away from them, so why not just give them a break already, like you’ve never messed something up