We must all of us, always, strive to have sympathy for our fellow man. If all were judged equal, who should ‘scape whipping, and so on; it is the part of the righteous to understand that there but for the grace of God go we, and to hold no one to the fire for sins of which we are equally guilty.
That said, I’m pretty sure that if you do any of these things, you are going to Hell.
- Buying a video game ostensibly for your child and then playing it yourself all the time
- Going around someone on a one-lane road so you can get to a traffic signal sooner
- Tying a national tragedy or remembrance thereof to your company’s social media marketing
- Being weirdly proud of not liking a particular entertainer
- Acting like you had something to do with the place you happened to be born
- Spending more than five minutes in a single week grooming your mustache
- Acting like it is someone else’s fault that they are frightened by your huge menacing dog
- Conspicuously covering your ears when an emergency vehicle goes past
- Refusing to let people say negative things in front of your houseplants
- Navigating a double-wide baby buggy down the middle of a narrow grocery aisle
- Buying something you don’t intend to use just so no one else can have it
- Referring to a trip to Mexico or Canada as “going overseas”
- Drinking cheap shitty beer when you have tons of money as some kind of meta-statement
- Talking into an invisible Bluetooth headset in public and making people guess if you are insane
- Getting mad at a clerk because you failed to understand an instruction
- Being a grown person who is into high school football but does not have a school-aged child
- Being a grown person who is into high school football at all, really
- Using the word “sportsball”
- Calling a celebrity by a cleverly insulting name that rhymes with their actual name
- Not voting because it’s too time-consuming
- Un-ironically using the word “sheeple”
- Any variant of thinking you would have been a really good, kind German/slave owner/etc.
- Throwing stuff at people from a moving car
- Supporting labor until worker actions do something to personally inconvenience you
- Becoming openly disgruntled at the suggestion that you watch something with subtitles
- Organizing anything other than color swatches by color
- Constantly calling attention to your mild discomfort but refusing to let anyone help you with it
- Headlining an article with some variation of “(X number of things) You Never Heard Of”
- Writing a news article about a woman that mentions what she is wearing
- Giving someone a shitty tip so you can round off to a particular number
- Waking someone up to ask them if they are sleeping all right
- Making excessive use of novelty fonts under any circumstance
- Having 99 problems and choosing to focus mainly on the bitch-related ones
- Complaining about how many people it takes to write a pop song
- Throwing trash on the ground in a municipal park
- Throwing trash on the ground in a state or national park
- Throwing trash on the ground anywhere because the nearest garbage can is over 100 feet away
- Using your child as an excuse to blow off social engagements
- Having an elaborate reason why it’s okay for you to be really into Nazi paraphernalia
- Acting like you’re really sorry about doing something shitty that you don’t in any way have to do
- Pretending to not know the difference between a rank and a file
- Talking to someone on the phone while you are taking a shit
- Being really angry at someone you don’t know for committing suicide
- Openly speculating about how heroic you would be in a theoretical dangerous situation
- Insisting on watching television at someone else’s party
- Cheating at a game in which there are absolutely no consequences for winning or losing
- Having more than one hyphen in your name
- Keeping track of when a famous female celebrity turns 18
- Making a bunch of high-minded rules about what you won’t ever allow your potential child to do
- Fact-checking jokes
- Drinking wine out of a container made of anything but glass
- Using, in any context, the phrase “(X) are the only people it’s acceptable to discriminate against”
- Having elaborate rules about what guests are allowed to wear in your house
- Thinking of something you do as a moral failing when a poor person does it
- Being angry at people for dancing
- Creating advertisements that interfere with content
- Getting upset that a famous person does not respond to your tagging them on social media
- Letting the hot sauce cart steer the actual food horse
- Closely studying the menu at a fast food restaurant as if anything on it is going to surprise you
- Saying “no one is talking about” a story you got from a major news media outlet
- Being heavily tattooed and then getting mad at people for looking at your tattoos
- Having an overly elaborate e-mail signature
- Explaining to someone how you didn’t have to pay for something they created
- Using the fact that you can’t smoke indoors as an excuse to talk loudly outside at 2AM
- Thinking you are clever for knowing a couple of curse words in a foreign language
- Claiming to have “grown up” in a decade in which you were less than 4 years old when it ended
- Using a cell phone to complain about how people are always looking at their cell phones
- Recording a sweet folky acoustic guitar cover of a gangsta rap song
- Coming up with ways to game a system that confer no advantage to you
- Hiring someone to do something and then getting mad that they don’t have enough to do
- Being vociferous about creator’s rights but never buying art by small or independent artists
- Infantilizing an entire culture because you can’t get over your own childhood nostalgia
- Believing that apology is always a sign of weakness
- Being a Republican candidate for the presidency of the United States
- Creating a long list of minor annoyances because you can’t think of anything better to write