It’s the dog days of August, when baseball teams are either in the head of a pennant race or sweating it out in meaningless late-season games after falling out of contention. Basketball and hockey are over, football seems like a cold, distant winter mirage, and Americans still don’t give a shit about soccer. So that means there’s no time like right now for FUNNY SPORTS NAMES, 2015 EDITION.
MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL
Arizona Diamondbacks: Tuffy Gosewisch, Rubby De La Rosa, Zack Godley, Jarrod Saltalamacchia
Atlanta Braves: Julio Teheran, Sugar Ray Marimon, Joey Terdoslavich
Baltimore Orioles: Jonathan Schoop, Junior Lake
Boston Red Sox: Blake Swihart, Xander Bogaerts, Heath Hembree, Mookie Betts
Chicago Cubs: Justin Grimm, Pedro Strop, Taylor Teagarden, Dallas Beeler, Brian Schlitter
Chicago White Sox: Tyler Flowers, Melky Cabrera
Cincinnati Reds: Burke Badenhop, Jumbo Diaz, Nate Adcock, Jason Bourgeois, Skip Schumaker
Cleveland Indians: Jeff Manship, Nick Swisher
Colorado Rockies: Yohan Flande
Detroit Tigers: Buck Farmer, Al Albuquerque, Angel Nesbitt
Houston Astros: Brad Peacock, Hank Conger, Asher Wodzieschowski, L.J. Hoes
Kansas City Royals: Cheslor Cuthbert, Christian Colon
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Collin Cowgill, Kyle Kubitza
Los Angeles Dodgers: Yasiel Puig
Miami Marlins: Brad Hand
Milwaukee Brewers: Tyler Cravy
Minnesota Twins: Josmil Pinto
New York Mets: Lucas Duda, Jack Leathersich
New York Yankees: Nick Rumbelow, Chasen Shreve, Didi Gregorious, Chase Headley, Nick Goody
Oakland Athletics: Coco Crisp, Rangel Ravelo
Philadelphia Phillies: Chase Utley
Pittsburgh Pirates: Antonio Bastardo, John Holdskom, Corey Hart
St. Louis Cardinals: Kolten Wong, Dean Anna
San Diego Padres: Odrisamer Despaigne, Yonder Alonso, Jed Gyorko, Cory Spangenberg
San Francisco Giants: Joe Panik, Angel Pagan, Mike Broadway, Buster Posey, Madison Bumgarner
Seattle Mariners: Taijuan Walker, Fernando Rodney, Jesus Sucre, Danny Farquhar, Charlie Furbush
Tampa Bay Rays: Jake Odorizzi, Brad Boxberger, Grady Sizemore, Mike Mahtook, Drew Smyly
Texas Rangers: Cole Hamels, Prince Fielder, Rougned Odor, Chi Chi Gonzalez, Tanner Scheppers
Toronto Blue Jays: Ryan Goins, Dalton Pompey
Washington Nationals: Doug Fister, Dan Uggla, Wilmer Difo, Matt Den Dekker
MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER
Chicago Fire: Kennedy Igboananike, Patrick Doody, Harry Shipp, Joevin Jones, Rāzvan Cociš
Colorado Rapids: Zac MacMath
Columbus Crew: Emanuel Pogatetz, Harrison Afful
D.C. United: Facundo Coria, Perry Kitchen
FC Dallas: Je-Vaughn Wattson, Coy Craft
Houston Dynamo: Memo Rodriguez, Boniek Garcia
Los Angeles Galaxy: Bradford Jamieson IV, Jack McBean, Edson Buddle
Montreal Impact: Dilly Duka, Nigel Reo-Coker, Maxime Crépeau
New England Revolution: Teal Bunbury, Diego Fagúndez, London Woodberry, Timi Mulgrew
New York City FC: Kwame Watson-Siriboe, Jeb Brovsky, Mix Diskerud, Shay Facey, Kwadwo Poku
New York Red Bulls: Anatole Abang, Sal Zizzo
Orlando City: Tally Hall, Brek Shea, Cyle Larin, Kaká
Philadelphia Union: Antoine Hoppenot, Fred
Portland Timbers: Jeanderson, Jack Jewsbury
Real Salt Lake: Abdoulie Mansally, Pecka, Justen Glad
San Jose Earthquakes: Mike Fucito, Innocent Emeghara
Seattle Sounders: Andy Craven
Sporting Kansas City: Jalil Anibaba
Toronto FC: Jozy Altidore, Bright Dike
Vancouver Whitecaps: Pa-Modou Kah, Gershon Koffie, Christian Dean
NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION
Atlanta Hawks: Terran Petteway, Tiago Splitter
Boston Celtics: Marcus Smart, Jonas Jerebko
Brooklyn Nets: Rondae Hollis-Jefferson
Charlotte Hornets: Nicholas Batum
Chicago Bulls: E’Twaun Moore
Cleveland Cavaliers: Iman Shumpert, Sir’Dominic Pointer
Dallas Mavericks: Jarrid Famous, Zaza Pachulia
Detroit Pistons: Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, Spencer Dinwiddie, Tayshaun Prince
Denver Nuggets: Jusuf Nurkić
Golden State Warriors: Festus Ezeli, Kevon Looney, Marresse Speights
Houston Rockets: Patrick Beverley, Montrezi Harrell, Donatas Motiejūnas
Indiana Pacers: Rakeem Christmas, Ian Mahinmi, Rodney Stuckey
Los Angeles Clippers: Dahntay Jones, Hedo Türkoglu
Los Angeles Lakers: Carlos Boozer
Memphis Grizzlies: JaMychal Green, Jarnell Stokes, Beno Udrih
Miami Heat: Chris Bosh, Luol Deng, Justise Winslow
Milwaukee Bucks: Giannis Antetokounmpo, O.J. Mayo
Minnesota Timberwolves: Gorgui Dieng
New Orleans Pelicans: Ömer Ašik, Tyreke Evans, Alonzo Gee, Jrue Holiday, Quincy Pondexter
New York Knicks: Cleanthony Early, Kristaps Porzíńgis
Oklahoma City Thunder: Serge Ibaka
Orlando Magic: Dewayne Dedmon, Roy Devyn Marble
Philadelphia ’76ers: Furkan Aldemir, Richuan Holmes, Nerlens Noel, JaKarr Sampson
Phoenix Suns: Sonny Weems
Portland Trail Blazers: Allen Crabbe, Maurice Harkless, Mason Plumlee
Sacramento Kings: Quincy Acy, Omri Casspi, Willie Cauley-Stein, Duje Dukan, Rajon Rondo
San Antonio Spurs: Jimmer Fredette, Patty Mills
Toronto Raptors: Bismack Biyombo, DeMar DeRozan
Utah Jazz: Dante Exum, Derrick Favors, Rudy Gobert, Tibor Pleiß
Washington Wizards: Rasual Butler, Marcin Gortat, Nenê
NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE
Arizona Cardinals; Frostee Rucker
Atlanta Falcons: Devonte Freeman, Kroy Biermann, Valerian Ume-Ezeoke, Jopol Bartu
Baltimore Ravens: Javorious Allen, Kiero Small, Elvis Dumervil, Kapron Lewis-Moore
Buffalo Bills: Rod Sweeting, Bacarri Rambo, Ross Cockrell, Andre Fluellen, Chris Manhertz
Carolina Panthers: Fozzy Whitaker, Jerricho Cotchery, Carrington Byndam
Chicago Bears: David Fales, Senorise Perry, Jacquizz Rodgers, Ego Ferguson, Tayo Fabuluje
Cincinnati Bengals: Kwame Geathers, Vontaze Burfict, Darqueze Dennard, Onterio McCalebb
Cleveland Browns: Barkevious Mingo, Ishma’aily Kitchen
Dallas Cowboys: Tyler Clutts, Lache Seastrunk, Deontay Greenberry, Ka’Lial Glaud, Lucky Whitehead
Denver Broncos: Montee Ball, Darius Kilgo, Taureon Nixon, Britton Colquitt
Detroit Lions: LaAdrian Waddle, Braxston Cave, Golden Tate
Green Bay Packers: Fabbians Ebbele, Julius Peppers, Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, Tavarus Dantzler
Houston Texans: Keith Mumphery, Cecil Shorts III, Justin Tuggle
Indianapolis Colts: Zurlon Tipton, Jack Mewhort, D’Qwell Jackson, Coby Fleener, Justin Sinz
Jacksonville Jaguars: Arrelious Benn, Tandon Doss, Cap Capi, Tyler Shatley, Khairi Fortt
Kansas City Chiefs: Charcandrick West, Junior Hemingway, Frank Zombo, Donatella Lucket
Miami Dolphins: Jay Ajayi, Sammy Seamster, Jake Stoneburner
Minnesota Vikings: Mike Kafka, Phil Loadholt, Captain Munnerlyn, MyCole Pruitt, Danielle Hunter
New England Patriots: Travaris Cadet, Xzavier Dixon, Dekoda Watson, Sealva Siliga
New Orleans Saints: Toben Opurum, Seantavius Jones, Brandon Browner, Parys Haralson
New York Giants: Orleans Darkwa, Chykie Brown
New York Jets: Jake Heaps, Leger Douzable, Brent Qvale, D’Brickashaw Ferguson, Jonathan Rumph
Oakland Raiders: Trindon Holliday, Denico Autry, Quinterrius Eatmon, SaQwan Edwards
Philadelphia Eagles: Kiko Alonso, Najee Goode, JaCorey Shepherd
Pittsburgh Steelers: Cameron Stingily, Maurkice Pouncsely
St. Louis Rams: Jo-Lonn Dunbar, Alec Ogletree, Imoan Claiborne, Mason Brodine
San Diego Chargers: Dreamius Smith, Javontee Herndon, D.J. Fluker, Tenny Palepoi, Brock Hekking
San Francisco ’49ers: DeAndre Smelter, Tank Carradine, Sean Hooey, Joe Looney
Seattle Seahawks: Deshon Foxx, Obum Gwacham, Cooper Helfet
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Jorvorskie Lane, Quayshawne Buckley, Ali Marpet, Edawn Coughman
Tennessee Titans: Tebucky Jones Jr., Yawin Smallwood, Deiontrez Mount, Yannick Cudjoe-Virgil
Washington Redskins: Takoby Cofield, Kory Lichtensteiger, Ricky Jean-Francois, Jackson Jeffcoat
NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE
Anaheim Ducks: Clayton Stoner, Harry Zolnierczyk
Arizona Coyotes: B.J. Crombeen
Boston Bruins: Torey Krug, Joonas Kamppainen
Buffalo Sabres: Zemgus Girgensons, David Legwand
Calgary Flames: Josh Jooris, Tyler Wotherspoon
Carolina Hurricanes: Zack Boychuk, Michal Jordan, Eddie Lack
Chicago Blackhawks: Scott Darling, Ville Pokka
Colorado Avalanche: Mark-Andre Cliché, Dennis Everberg
Columbus Blue Jackets: Cody Goloubef, Dalton Prout, Brandon Saad, Fedor Tyutin
Dallas Stars: Radek Faksa, Vernon Fiddler, Jyrki Jokipakka
Detroit Red Wings: Tomas Jurco
Edmonton Oilers: Rob Klinkhammer, Nikita Nikitin, Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, Tyler Pitlick
Florida Panthers: Nick Bjugstad, Jussi Jokinen
Los Angeles Kings: Jonathan Quick, Tyler Toffoli
Minnesota Wild: Devan Dubnyk, Matt Dumba, Nino Neiderreiter
Montreal Canadiens: Alexander Semin, Devante Smith-Pelly
Nashville Predators: Calle Jarnkrok
New Jersey Devils: Yann Danis, Tuomo Ruutu, Jordin Tootoo
New York Islanders: Cal Clutterbuck, Travis Hamonic
New York Rangers: Emerson Etem, Jesper Fast, Tanner Glass,
Ottawa Senators: Cody Ceci, Matthew Puempel
Philadelphia Flyers: Brayden Schenn
Pittsburgh Penguins: Kris LeTang
St. Louis Blues: Jay Bouwmeester
San Jose Sharks: Logan Couture, Barclay Goodrow
Tampa Bay Lightning: Valtteri Filppula
Toronto Maple Leafs: Tyler Bozak, Dion Phaneuf
Vancouver Canucks: Dan Hamhuis
Washington Capitals: Carter Camper, Jason Chimera, Taylor Chorney, Brooks Orpik
Winnipeg Jets: Grant Clitsome, Connor Hellebuyck