MONSTER: Dracula
REAL NAME: Vladimir T. Dracula, Jr.
COLLECTIVE NAME: Draculae
POWERS: immortality, flight, mental domination, control over vermin, moodiness
PET PEEVES: inability to eat aïoli
FAVORITE WU-TANG CLAN MEMBER: RZA
MOST REALISTIC FILM DEPICTION: Seven Golden Candelabras of Dracula (1958, Allied Antiques, USA)
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MONSTER: Wolf Man
REAL NAME: Avram Levidowitz Wolfman
COLLECTIVE NAME: Wolfs Man
POWERS: physical transformation, heightened strength and endurance, enhanced speed and agility, claws and fangs, ability to attract mates with loud whistle and bugged-out eyeballs
PET PEEVES: doesn’t get any royalties from awesome t-shirts and calendars
FAVORITE WU-TANG CLAN MEMBER: Inspectah Deck
MOST REALISTIC FILM DEPICTION: The Wolf Man Slobbers (1943, Baume’s Rush Pictures, USA)
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MONSTER: Frankenstein
REAL NAME: Adam Quintullus Frankenstein
COLLECTIVE NAME: Frankensteiner Brothers
POWERS: great strength, invulnerability, can jump-start cars with neck bolts
PET PEEVES: when people say “Frankenstein is the name of the doctor, not the monster”, when in fact, by a bizarre coincidence, his name is also Frankenstein
FAVORITE WU-TANG CLAN MEMBER: GZA
MOST REALISTIC FILM DEPICTION: Frankenstein’s Funky Four Corners (1976, Blaxplosion Studios, USA)
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MONSTER: Gill Man
REAL NAME: Charlotte Perkins Gill Man
COLLECTIVE NAME: Gill Men, but with a soft ‘g’
POWERS: amphibiousness, armored skin, superhuman strength, can play any Dick Dale guitar solo from memory after only having heard it once
PET PEEVES: demanded human rights and respect during the liberation wave of the 1970s, at which time people began calling him “the creature from the African-American lagoon”, having failed to understand which word he took offense to
FAVORITE WU-TANG CLAN MEMBER: Method Man
MOST REALISTIC FILM DEPICTION: He Gurgles By Night (1947, Derwin Eggboiler Productions Inc., USA)
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MONSTER: King Kong
REAL NAME: Massimo Adelberto di Kong
COLLECTIVE NAME: “a merriment of Kongs”
POWERS: huge size, ability to climb tall buildings (New York only), right to demand fealty and feudal tribute from lesser Kong nobility
PET PEEVES: being drugged, chained, and shipped across the ocean to be put on display like some kind of circus freak, and only getting a flat fee and a small percentage of the door with no points, franchise fees, or a cut of the merchandising
FAVORITE WU-TANG CLAN MEMBER: Ol’ Dirty Bastard
MOST REALISTIC FILM DEPICTION: Urban Destruction Modalities of the Contemporary Gorilla-Monster: Reconciling Projections with Opportunity Costs, Part 2 (1971, British Civil Engineering Association Documentary Films Division, UK)
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MONSTER: Godzilla
REAL NAME: Henry “Dust-Humper” Gojira
COLLECTIVE NAME: Pantheonzilla
POWERS: colossal size, armored scales, atomic breath, stomping ability, weak throwing arm but surprisingly good speed on the base paths
PET PEEVES: that fucking Blue Öyster Cult song, enough already, I get it
FAVORITE WU-TANG CLAN MEMBER: U-Godzilla
MOST REALISTIC FILM DEPICTION: Crazed Assault of Lizard Employer III (1953, Nippon Film and Milkshake Board, JAP)
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MONSTER: The Mummy
REAL NAME: Khufu Imhotep-Delahanty
COLLECTIVE NAME: Mumsies
POWERS: immortality, great strength, resistance to injury, vengeful determination, notary public license
PET PEEVES: other reanimated ancient Egyptian man-gods are always eating his food out of the fridge even though he writes “MUMMY”right there on it
FAVORITE WU-TANG CLAN MEMBER: Ghostface Killah
MOST REALISTIC FILM DEPICTION: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and Also a Mummy (2009, Birdshit Features, USA)
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MONSTER: Invisible Man
REAL NAME: George Cluny, no, no, it’s C-L-U-N-Y, yeah, I get that a lot
COLLECTIVE NAME: The Differently Visible
POWERS: it’s right there in his fucking name, do I really have to spell it out?
PET PEEVES: people don’t treat him seriously when he talks about Invisible Men’s Rights activism
FAVORITE WU-TANG CLAN MEMBER: Masta Killa
MOST REALISTIC FILM DEPICTION: The Invisible Man Who is an Actual Man Who Becomes Invisible and Kills People, Not the Invisible Man Who is a Metaphor for the Difficult Sociopolitical Issues Facing Black Americans (1968, Cinematica Literalus, ITA)
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MONSTER: The Phantom of the Opera
REAL NAME: Gaston Le Phantomoftheopera
COLLECTIVE NAME: Fandom of the Opera
POWERS: mask, formal outfit, ability to sing mawkish show tunes that appeal to high school theater nerds
PET PEEVES: could menace any kind of public entertainment, but only ever gets invited to operas
FAVORITE WU-TANG CLAN MEMBER: Cappadonna (come on, dude)
MOST REALISTIC FILM DEPICTION: The Phantom of the Complete Ring Cycle, Part XXXII (1984, The Corporation for Punitive Broadcasting, CAN)
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MONSTER: The Hunchback of Notre Dame
REAL NAME: Leotis Dingenschratz
COLLECTIVE NAME: Fighting Irish
POWERS: hunchback, birth defects, severe facial deformities, low dignity threshold
PET PEEVES: is actually not from Paris at all, but you never hear anyone call him “the Hunchback of Sillé-le-Guillaume”
FAVORITE WU-TANG CLAN MEMBER: Raekwon
MOST REALISTIC FILM DEPICTION: Leotis Dingenschratz and the Very Merry Feast of the Assumption of Mary to Heaven (1998, Lemmy Kilmister’s Carnival Funtime Pictures, UK)