Fortunately Gone
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Month: June 2014
I’m On a Submarine Mission for You, Baby
COLE: This is fucking boring. MAYHEW: Shut up, Cole, you little bitch. STRAITHAIRN: Man, why you have to be like that? We’re on duty. Show some respect. COLE: I’m serious, you guys, plus my belt is all grungy or something. MAYHEW: It’s nothing personal, Straithairn. COLE: I mean, it’s like, …
Passion: The Musical
Program notes for the first half of this evening’s performance at the Hutton Gibson Center for the Performing Arts: ACT 1, SCENE 1: a hill outside of Jerusalem we will later come to know as Golgotha. As the “Overture” plays, Jesus, smiling for the only time during the performance, cavorts …
Dude, My Pentagon is HUGE
…which is why, of course, we’ll be bringing in the helicopters at that time, since they’ll give us the reliability and flexibility we need. Tom? No, unfortunately I can’t give you anything on the Basra situation at the moment. No, we’ve got some information, which we think is pretty reliable …
Married By Cambodia
“”I always had a hard time meeting chicks.” “Yes, I see.” “I mean, not for the reasons you’d think. I’m not shy or anything. And I’m pretty good-looking.” “Hmmm.” “You don’t think I’m good-looking?” “I have no opinion.” “I don’t mean to sound egotistical or anything. I just think that you …
I Just Can’t Copa
Every four years, something truly special happens in the world of sport: one group of Americans gathers together to make fun of another group of Americans on the internet for liking soccer. Yes, it’s World Cup time once again, and while even the laziest poseur can bring himself up to …
War Minus the Shooting: The Death of Captain Video
When I was a kid, growing up in Phoenix — then a fairly small town, long before the arrival of the Diamondbacks and without any notion it would soon grow into one of the ten largest cities in the country — there was some kind of rivalry going on with …
Revenge Fantasy Island
I keep telling myself, it only seems like I’m telling the story for the millionth time. It can’t be more than, say, the three hundredth. But the kids are ruthless. Fall back on a stock phrase and they’ll eat you alive. There’s no ‘wine-dark sea’ in my living room; Homer’s …
It’s All in How You Market
“Tim? It’s Jill.” “Oh, hi, Jill! I’m surprised you’re calling so soon. Did they cancel?” “No. We had the meeting.” “Well? Good news?” “Is a 20-minute meeting ever good news?” “I dunno. That’s what I pay you for.” “They’ve decided to pass, Tim.” “No! You’re kidding. Why?” “They thought that …
Heavy Lightness & Serious Vanity
I am a postmodernist, whatever that means, even if it doesn’t mean anything. If it does mean something, it means that I am perpetually opposed to the idea of canon, of the idea that there are certain things that belong in the realm of capital-A Art and other things that …
Death of an Adman
We should have seen it coming. This was our livelihood, after all; we were the artists of commerce, creatives in the world of the merely productive. We worked with words and ideas the way our clients worked with industrial chemicals and institutional foodstuffs. We lived for le mot juste, and we …
Christian Stories for the Clinically Jaded
When little Charlie was six years old, he broke one of his mother’s favorite bone china plates. Charlie hid the broken plate from his mother, because he knew that she would be very cross. (Charlie’s mother was a brittle, unloving old New Englander with the short temper and cold demeanor …
Flowers in the Recycle Bin
From: “Katie” (katieg253@whowantsit.net.ra) To: “Peter” (p_quigley@hotmail.com) Date: July 17, 2002 8:04 PM Subject: Re: your request This message appears to be junk mail. This is not junk mail Hot co-ed slut wants YOU! Click here to hook up with nubile cum-drunk college girl HUNGRY FOR YOUR COCK! I’m waiting for …
Ripper is a Gangster!
This is a ripe one, I think to myself as he crosses the floor. Sixteen if he’s a day and he’s got that topper out of a coal chute. He’s wearing it like it makes him look like a lord. Whatever it takes for the fare, I think, trying not …
Treaty Time
“Harrison! So good to see you.” “My name is Tonondah Inok.” “Ton…what is it again?” “Tonondah Inok.” “Tonomah…you know, that’s just not going to work for me, Harrison.” “In your language it means Red Wolf.” “That’s a name for a dog, not a man. What’s wrong with Harrison? It’s a …