GEN. 1:1. Dear Diary, Mr. Phillips wants us to create a whole planet by next Thursday. This is totally unfair. Like I have time to do all this. I’m not on the Scientific Decathlon team. Why should I have to create a planet? I just want to cheer. I shouldn’t …
Texcoco wingman Kevin Malixtepinqa announced his retirement last week after thirteen seasons with the squad. He led the league in goals for for six seasons, including two consecutively in 1502 and 1503. An anterior cruciate ligament injury hobbled him for the last two campaigns, and he made the announcement after …
As you may remember, at the start of the war against Iraq ten years ago, Donald Rumsfeld was asked about the widespread opposition to the invasion, especially in Europe, which stood in marked contrast to European support for previous American military endeavors. His reply: “Now, you’re thinking of Europe as …
Dear Dad, Greetings from Kyoto! Tell Grandpa that even though he’s been here (just after the war), things have changed a lot since then. For example, there’s lots of smog, and they have beer in vending machines. Anyway, I know you wanted me to let you know when I got …
With the dentist DENTIST: Open your mouth, please. Which is the tooth that hurts? LARRY: I’m not sure. I think all of my teeth hurt. DENTIST: Your gums are infected. I am going to prescribe an antibiotic. LARRY: How about some painkillers? DENTIST: No, I do not think such will …
Film Studies 289: New Themes in Conflict. Richard Illarde and staff. Full Course. M/W/F 10AM. The study of film — the only completely original art form of the 20th century — has for too long been governed by dated or archaic terminology, blinkered pedagogy, and hand-me-down methodologies borrowed from other …
..after a terrific battle; the crudely wrought but formidable Astrotrain, whose galling but self-assured swagger enlightened the boldness of his automated brethren even as it tested the fidelity of his quondam ally Blitzwing, frustrated the more graceful tactics, worried the time-tested drill, and enervated the resolve of the Autobot advance …
Okay, folks, we need to have a little sit-down about some of the rules. God has been noticing a lot of disobedience lately, and He doesn’t want to have to kill a bunch of people again. Hey, Gershon, tell me about it, okay? I lost three cousins in that slaughter. …
WHO: That one guy who’s always hanging around down by the tire store. Just some dudes. You wouldn’t know her, she lives in Canada, but her name is, uh, Melissa Pabodie. Wealthy young gadabout Herbert Hirschman. The producers of Vantasy II: Vampire Van. Some guys in a low rider, I …
The whole evening had a distinctively ’70s flair about it: we drove out to Shoreline, a northern suburb of Seattle, to the Crest Cinema Center to see my first movie since relocating to the Pacific Northwest. The Crest was built in 1949, and seems quite specifically stuck in time, the …
“Hello, Tideman’s Department Store, can I help you?” “Is this the Lost and Found?” “This is Customer Service, sir. How can I help you?” “I think I lost something when I was there over Christmas, doing my gift buying.” “What was it, sir?” “My soul.” “Your what?” “My soul. I …
April 1st: I am a worthwhile human being with much to offer. April 2nd: I will not allow myself to be hindered by the judgments of others. April 3rd: I am creative and intelligent. April 4th: I am in control of my own life. April 5th: I am having an …
Leonard plays for a sports team. Although it seems unlikely with this ragtag band of misfits, the team makes it to the big game. At a crucial moment, he blows a big play. Leonard dresses in drag to gain the trust of a woman he wants to date. Absolutely no …
Welcome to Fun Camp! By now you’ve been shown to the communal Squee Cabins and been assigned a bed shaped like a race car, rocket ship or cartoon animal, and you’ve probably asked yourself: what am I doing here? You’re here because someone very important in your life — a …
BORN. To Janet Corbett, 31, a convenience store clerk in Puyallup, WA, and Satanachia, 6008, Grand General of the Infernal Spirits, a man-child who shall be named “Enoch”. The father came to the mother on the moon of the sixth day of the sixth month at the sixth hour in …
