WHY ARE JOKES, BIT ONE: QUIZ TO DETERMINE WHICH MEMBER OF THE CHRISTIAN HOLY TRINITY YOU ARE, IF YOU ARE ONE
1. My favorite food is:
(a) manna
(b) figs
(c) I don’t eat
2. On the weekend, I like to relax by:
(a) smiting the children of Israel with a plague for their insolence
(b) cleansing lepers
(c) appearing over the heads of the faithful in the form of a tongue of flame
3. My favorite song is by:
(a) God’s Favorite Band
(b) The Jesus Lizard
(c) Norman Greenbaum
4. My relations with the opposite sex can best be described as:
(a) condemnatory
(b) nonexistent
(c) I have no sex to be opposed
5. I really, really hate:
(a) Baal
(b) fig trees that are not in season
(c) the fact that I am considered the Ringo of the Holy Trinity
6. If I had a nickname, it would be:
(a) “Short Fuse”
(b) “The J-Man”
(c) “Who?”
7. My best friend is:
(a) a huge two-headed beast covered in eyeballs who spits thunder and chants “Holy, Holy, Holy” all day and night
(b) stupid
(c) myself
8. I look upon Satan as:
(a) a big fucking ingrate
(b) the Tempter
(c) another guy who’s lucky enough to have a body
9. I fear for my life when I catch a glimpse of:
(a) Friedrich Nietzche
(b) Caiaphas
(c) the Ghostbusters
10. When it comes right down to it, I’m just your average, ordinary:
(a) omnipotent, all-seeing, vengeful sky-god
(b) deranged, pre-industrial hippie
(c) nebulous theological doohickey
WHY ARE JOKES, BIT TWO: A SONG ABOUT THE YEAR OF OUR LORD EIGHTEEN HUNDRED AND TWENTY NINE
1829! 1829!
Of all the 1820s, you’re the flyest super-fine!
I sing about you sweeter than the voice of Patsy Cline,
‘Cause you’re 1829!
June the fuckin’ eighth in the town of Liverpool,
The UK’s first non-London municipal swimming pool!
Sevastopol in Russia told the Jews to all get bent!
Philly laid the cornerstone for the first U.S. mint!
Leo XII and Pius VIII both took the final hike!
A bunch of Polish people drowned ’cause of a broken dyke!
A dude named Johnny Martin set the church at York on fire!
Bill Burt invents the typewriter, unless I am a liar!
1829! 1829!
In the latter 1820s, you’re the year that really shines!
I dream about you daily while I drink and dance and dine,
‘Cause you’re 1829!
Catholics in England got the right to ply their faith!
J.Q. Adams left the White House and he soon became a wraith!
The Turkish and the Russians both negotiated peace,
Then the Turks turned right around and gave autonomy to Greece!
An opera bowed in Paris with the title William Tell!
And also, Goethe’s Faust, which was bombastical as hell!
The cops in London got help in the form of Scotland Yard!
Chang and Eng, the Siamese twins, had lives that we’re quite hard!
1829! 1829!
For suckas who would dis you, I am gonna draw a line!
Reading all about you sure beats working in a mine,
‘Cause you’re 1829!
WHY ARE JOKES, BIT THREE: A SONG FROM A JAMES BOND MOVIE WITH AN EVIL FISH FOR A SUPERVILLAIN THAT I ONCE SUBMITTED TO A CHICKEN OF THE SEA JINGLE CONTEST, WHICH IT DID NOT WIN
Fishfinger!
He’s the man, The man with the fishy touch —
That slimy touch.
Such a dish-slinger!
He’ll prepare a fine aquatic repast —
It will be your last!
Tangy sauce he will pour on your plate,
But look out, for his food’s full of hate! F
or a gourmand guy knows when he’s tasted,
He’s really been wasted —
By Fishfinger!
Anglers all, beware of his heart of fish —
Death is his wish.
He loves only fish!
He loves only fish!
He loves only fish!
WHY ARE JOKES, BIT FOUR: NON-ACTUAL CULES FOR ACTUAL CARD GAMES
ADDICTION SOLITAIRE. Can you make all cards match in descending suits before the junk sickness weakens you? A delightful romp through the world of heroin abuse and online card games.
BLACKJACK. Play a game of “21” with a slick Las Vegas sharpster. Later, after you lose, sneak up behind him in the parking lot, cosh him with a spring-loaded lead weight, and get all your money back.
BRIDGE. In this fast-paced classic, you play a civil engineer who’s struggling to complete a new commuter bridge after staying up all night playing cards with your hateful wife and her shithead friends.
CRIBBAGE. Combines all the thrills and chills of cards and dice with the spills of moving a golf tee around a wooden board. An ideal game for the elderly, the near-death, and small children too dumb to know better.
CANASTA. Not just a mysterious enigma sometimes invoked in 1950s Bugs Bunny cartoons, but an actual card game you can play! It’s like Bezique, like you know what that is, loser.
EUCHRE. Another game popular with the senile and pointlessly retro. This one is available in a variety of flavors, including Euchre-Wrist (for the religious), Euchre Mage (for the geeky), and Euchre’s Wild (for the 1970s game show enthusiast).
GIN RUMMY. If there’s one thing alc0holics love almost as much as booze, unemployment and annoying their friends, it’s card games! Especially ones named for liquor. Try our hot new variant, Whisky Wino.
GO FISH. This is a great one, because it sounds like you’re going to do an actual physical activity (albeit a pathetically low-energy one), but you’re not. Perfect for people who have “graduated” from War.
HEARTS. There’s only one suit that matters in this family favorite! Play to win, because just like the Aztecs of yore, you’ll be playing for the still-beating hearts of your enemies.
PINOCHLE. First developed in 342 A.D., this game has been played continuously for over 1500 years by people with nothing better to do. Involve your teenage children and watch them delight in calling it “pee-knuckle”.
WHY ARE JOKES, BIT FIVE: FANTASTIC FINAL FOUR
MR. FANTASTIC REGION
(1) Getting to bang a hot young blonde trophy wife even though you are a total melvin
vs.
(16) Hiring a witch as your nanny
(8) Salt & pepper hair
vs.
(9) Unstable molecules
(5) Feudin’ with Ben
vs.
(12) Inventing the Fantasti-Car
(4) Calling Jonny a “young hothead”
vs.
(13) Losing the lease on the Baxter Building because you’re really shitty with money
(6) Visiting professorship at Empire State University
vs.
(11) Franklin
(3) “This is a threat unlike any we have faced before”
vs.
(14) Turning into an exact replica of your overbearing asshole dad
(2) Fucking up Dr. Doom’s Christmas in perpetuity
vs.
(15) Geek arguments over who’s smarter, you or Brainiac-5
THING REGION
(1) Clobberin’ time
vs.
(16) Your blind sculptor girlfriend who supposedly loves you because her lack of sight lets her see past your hideous appearance, but let’s face facts, you’re a 600-pound lump of rock and she knows it, blind or not
(8) Cigars
vs.
(9) Floppy hats, sunglasses and jumbo overcoats
(5) Aunt Petunia
vs.
(12) Getting in a fistfight with the Hulk just for the fuck of it
(4) Fantasti-Briefs
vs.
(13) The “mushy, lumpy Thing” vs. “cracked, ridgy Thing” controversy
(6) Going up in an untested, unsafe, potentially lethal and possibly illegal spaceship just because some pinhead calls you chicken
vs.
(11) Cock-blockin’ Reed
(3) Being both a washed-up ex-jock and a washed-up ex-pilot
vs.
(14) “The hurt you can’t hide”
(2) The Yancey Street Gang
vs.
(15) Having all the really smart supervillains make fun of you
HUMAN TORCH REGION
(1) FIRE!
vs.
(16) Getting to go to space when you’re 16 and totally unqualified
(8) Hot rods
vs.
(9) Spelling things with flame
(5) Your girlfriend leaving you for Galactus
vs.
(12) Hanging out in a homeless shelter with the Sub-Mariner
(4) Being the only one on the team who can fly
vs.
(13) Getting your superhero name because Marvel wanted to protect its old copyrights
(6) Pissing off Spider-Man
vs.
(11) Calling Ben a big ape
(3) “Flame on!”
vs.
(14) Spelling “Jonny” without the ‘h’
(2) Getting replaced in the cartoon by a dumb-ass robot because the producers are afraid the kiddies will douse themselves in kerosene
vs.
(15) Those weird striations all over your body
INVISIBLE GIRL REGION
(1) Changing your name to ‘The Invisible Woman’, like that’s going to get you any respect
vs.
(16) John Byrne drawing you with knockers as big as your head
(8) Being the first superhero to take maternity leave
vs.
(9) Your kid turning out to be a god
(5) Playing Fay Wray to Annihilus’ King Kong
vs.
(12) Being replaced by She-Hulk, who John Byrne draws with even bigger knockers than yours
(4) Getting force field powers because, come on, invisibility by itself is pretty weak
vs.
(13) Spending most of the last 40+ years mildly pissed off at your husband
(6) Kicky haircuts
vs.
(11) Ben thinking he has a chance with you, even though you wouldn’t touch him before he was a huge, gross pile of orange rocks
(3) Designing new costumes for the team, because that’s the kind of thing girls like to do, tee hee
vs.
(14) Calling yourself a “Negative Zone widow”