Welcome to Fun Camp!
By now you’ve been shown to the communal Squee Cabins and been assigned a bed shaped like a race car, rocket ship or cartoon animal, and you’ve probably asked yourself: what am I doing here?
You’re here because someone very important in your life — a spouse, child, or employer, or perhaps even a neighbor — has come to the conclusion that you’re just No Fun. We realize these are never easy words to hear. Funlessness, like obesity, chronic back pain and juvenile diabetes, is a remorseless and unpredictable killer that does not discriminate.
Perhaps you think you’ve been sent here by mistake. Perhaps you think that you’re lots of fun, and are ready to defend your commitment to the spirit of gaeity, using as evidence your love of reading, nature hikes and good conversation. Well, we’ve heard it all before. The fact is, those things aren’t fun. They’re the opposite of fun. But the good news is, one of the very first things you’ll learn here at Fun Camp is that denial doesn’t have to last forever.
Fun Camp is what is known as a “total immersion program”. From tonight’s discotheque Disney Channel singalong to the Lampshade Comedy Workshop on Final Friday, we’re going to expose you to fun like you’ve never seen it before! There’s no time to be shy: we don’t play favorites and we’re all in it together. Your neighbors are just as nervous as you are, believe me. Limbo sticks, beer bongs and cartoon freeze tag are as new to them as they are to you.
As part of our “outgoingward bound” philosophy, your sojourn at Fun Camp will be marked by a back-to-basics, no-frills approach to fun-having. Everyone has been issued the same standard-issue Hawaiian shirt, Foam Dome, and bottle of Southern Comfort — and, before you start to get any ideas, our Mirth Counsellors cannot be bought. Not that you have anything to bribe them with; all wallets, purses, books, journals, PDAs and cell phones have been confiscated and handed over to a local charity for introspective children. Besides — the only currency that’s legal tender around these parts is Laughter!
And speaking of laughs, a big part of the Fun Camp experience is the ancient Semitic art of joke-telling. You’ll find a whiteboard on the inside of your Squee Cabin’s front door containing hilarious gags about blondes, the incompetence of men at child-raising, traffic, crazy foods, and gender-difference topics. As you progress through the fortnight, you’ll get access to the special Blue Packets currently sealed in your down pillowcases — a treasure trove featuring only the finest in ribald sex humor, delicately phrased ethnic jokes and, yes, instructions on how to emulate the sounds of various amusing bodily functions.
Don’t forget: the Mirth Counsellors are here to help you, not hinder you. Whether you need tips on funny accents, the latest mainstream pop-culture references to drop at the Fireplace Jamberoo, or just a pair of eyes to make sure your straw hat or fedora is tilted at just the right rakish angle, don’t be afraid to yell out “hey, dudes!” Once you get to know your MC, you’ll even have a chance to poke fun at their little foibles — provided you don’t mind getting as well as you give! They’ve been specially equipped with dossiers containing your psychological profile, credit rating and interviews with former lovers, so be prepared.
Fun Camp guarantees satisfaction. If you can’t get into the spirit, we provide pharmacist-approved medications free of charge that will loosen both your tongue and your inhibitions. If you continue to resist the spirit of group enjoyment, we can even let you spend some quiet time in the Pouty Pants Detention Shack with Recalcitrance Minister Ramon “El Estrangulador de Sonrisas” Gutierrez until you’re ready to let loose. And if, by the end of two weeks, you’re not certifiably the life of the party, you or your closest living heir will receive double your money back, less fees and expenses.
Well, enough boring “talk”. Let’s get down! Everybody have fun tonight — everybody. Understand?