Pitchers and catchers have reported to spring training, and that can only mean one thing: six months of manic-depressive obsessing over baseball! But not everyone is like me, hardened like a Turk’s brass knuckle by years of following the sport. How does a newcomer know what team to root for? Luckily for you, I’ve compiled this guide to the 30 Major League Baseball teams, based on consultation with Ken Burns, ESPN, and several old white men with malfunctioning prostates who have written books on the subject. Happy reading, and happy rooting!
NEW YORK YANKEES
- Are they a New York team? Yes!
- Why should I care? Greatest team ever, Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, Joe DiMaggio, 9/11.
- Avoid discussing: Any Steinbrenner.
LOS ANGELES DODGERS
- Are they a New York team? They used to be.
- Why should I care? Greatest team ever, Jackie Robinson, Sandy Koufax, Vin Scully, the warming sepia-toned glow of Ebbets Field .
- Avoid discussing: Events occurring after the 6th inning of any given game.
BOSTON RED SOX
- Are they a New York team? Sort of.
- Why should I care? Greatest team ever, Ted Williams, Carl Yasztremski, Carlton Fisk, Green Monster.
- Avoid discussing: How the team used to lose all the time.
SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS
- Are they a New York team? They used to be.
- Why should I care? “The Giants win the pennant!”, the abomination that is the designated hitter rule, other pre-San Francisco events.
- Avoid discussing: Barry Bonds.
NEW YORK METS
- Are they a New York team? Yes!
- Why should I care? “Miracle Mets”, “Subway Series”, Dwight Gooden, Darryl Strawberry, Mookie Wilson probably.
- Avoid discussing: How the team is pretty terrible.
CHICAGO CUBS
- Are they a New York team? No.
- Why should I care? Shitty beer, ivy, Ernie Banks, Ron Santo, not winning a World Series for 200 years is “lovable”.
- Avoid discussing: Sammy Sosa.
ST. LOUIS CARDINALS
- Are they a New York team? No.
- Why should I care? Greatest team ever, Stan Musial, the relentless enthusiasm of Bob Costas.
- Avoid discussing: Mark McGwire.
CINCINNATI REDS
- Are they a New York team? No.
- Why should I care? Oldest professional ball club, “Big Red Machine”, Johnny Bench, Joe Morgan (the ballplayer).
- Avoid discussing: Pete Rose; Joe Morgan (the sportscaster).
BALTIMORE ORIOLES
- Are they a New York team? New York-adjacent.
- Why should I care? Earl Weaver, Cal Ripken Jr., various Robinsons.
- Avoid discussing: The last decade.
ATLANTA BRAVES
- Are they a New York team? No, but see Boston Red Sox.
- Why should I care? Greatest team ever, Hank Aaron, assortment of melvins in the 1990s with good pitching arms.
- Avoid discussing: The “tomahawk chop”; the word “choke”.
PITTSBURGH PIRATES
- Are they a New York team? No.
- Why should I care? Roberto Clemente, Willie Stargell, disco, “We Are Family”.
- Avoid discussing: How the national media will never, ever pay attention to you.
OAKLAND ATHLETICS
- Are they a New York team? No.
- Why should I care? The 1970s, facial hair, SABRmetrics.
- Avoid discussing: Earthquakes.
CLEVELAND INDIANS
- Are they a New York team? No.
- Why should I care? Bob Feller, Major League, David Justice (maybe).
- Avoid discussing: How the logo is a racist cartoon.
WASHINGTON NATIONALS
- Are they a New York team? Strangely, yes.
- Why should I care? Your inside-the-Beltway connections will be impressed by your season tickets.
- Avoid discussing: Performance of previous Washington franchises.
SEATTLE MARINERS
- Are they a New York team? No.
- Why should I care? Ichiro Suzuki, Jay Buhner, Ken Griffey Jr., team is owned by creators of Super Mario Brothers.
- Avoid discussing: baseball.
ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS
- Are they a New York team? No.
- Why should I care? Randy Johnson, Luis Gonzalez, Curt Schilling (though be careful with this one).
- Avoid discussing: Byung-Hyun Kim.
DETROIT TIGERS
- Are they a New York team? No.
- Why should I care? Ty Cobb.
- Avoid discussing: Ty Cobb.
MILWAUKEE BREWERS
- Are they a New York team? Absolutely not.
- Why should I care? you enjoy sausage races or are Bud Selig.
- Avoid discussing: the American League.
LOS ANGELES ANGELS OF ANAHEIM
- Are they a New York team? No.
- Why should I care? Gene Autry, Disney, banging plastic sticks together,monkeys, waterfalls.
- Avoid discussing: the team’s ridiculous name.
KANSAS CITY ROYALS
- Are they a New York team? No.
- Why should I care? George Brett, Dan Quisenberry.
- Avoid discussing: victory.
MINNESOTA TWINS
- Are they a New York team? They are the opposite of a New York team.
- Why should I care? Rod Carew, Harmon Killebrew, Kirby Puckett, being reminded that it is very cold in Minneapolis.
- Avoid discussing: how the old stadium had walls made out of plastic trash bags.
MIAMI MARLINS
- Are they a New York team? Only for retirees.
- Why should I care? you are Cuban-American.
- Avoid discussing: Jeffrey Loria.
TEXAS RANGERS
- Are they a New York team? No.
- Why should I care? you enjoy inspiring stories of people who stopped taking massive amounts of drugs.
- Avoid discussing: George W. Bush.
HOUSTON ASTROS
- Are they a New York team? No.
- Why should I care? astronauts are neat.
- Avoid discussing: Enron.
TAMPA BAY RAYS
- Are they a New York team? No.
- Why should I care? you do not enjoy baseball.
- Avoid discussing: your team’s alleged ‘rivalry’ with the Miami Marlins.
PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES
- Are they a New York team? Surprisingly, they are New York-adjacent.
- Why should I care? information not available
- Avoid discussing: information not available
CHICAGO WHITE SOX
- Are they a New York team? They’re barely even a Chicago team.
- Why should I care? you should not, because they did a very bad thing 94 years ago and we can never forgive them.
- Avoid discussing: 2005.
COLORADO ROCKIES
- Are they a New York team? No.
- Why should I care? you should not, because all the accomplishments of this team, even ones involving pitching or which take place during away games, are due to the altitude at Coors Field.
- Avoid discussing: the team’s garish uniforms.
TORONTO BLUE JAYS
- Are they a New York team? They are a team from the New York of Canada.
- Why should I care? you should not, because this team is from Canada.
- Avoid discussing: Canada.
SAN DIEGO PADRES
- Are they a New York team? Technically, they are not even a Major League Baseball team.
- Why should I care? there is literally no reason for anyone to care about the San Diego Padres.
- Avoid discussing: the possibility of relegation.