The soul of man is forever striving, straining for victory, for glory, for transcendence beyond his mere base physicality, to become one with a universal whole. But it is this very striving that grounds him to the ordinary, by mussing his hair, coating his tongue, and causing various antisocial odors to issue forth from his bodily openings. Even the most enlightened man, whose spirit has brushed against the eternal consciousness of the universe, may find his insights go unheeded if he fails to properly groom his beard, or smells like the underside of a herd animal. It is to further the evolution of the human psyche in all its noblest aspirations that we here at PopuCleanse, the personal health and beauty care division of Zeddco, have been isolating the elements of bodily foulness since 1963, and discovering ways to eliminate them since 1971. We are pleased to announce the following extensions to our already distressingly comprehensive line of products.
THE SCIENCE OF TECHNOLOGY
Skin: it is the problem. It thus follows that lack of skin is the solution. Science once taught us that mixing acids and bases was dangerous and unpredictable, but in our modern era, when science has properly been rendered the handmaiden of consumerism, we have learned that the “base” of so many dermatological ailments — acne, rosacea, dermatitis, psoriasis, geographic tongue, racquet thumb, Brunsting-Perry cicatricial pemphigoid — are easily dealt with by applying the “acid” of perchloric acid. By using one of the strongest inorganic compounds known to man, as well as organic herbs and fruit extracts to leave the resulting chemical burns smelling morning-fresh, you can achieve the kind of flawless, perfect skin usually only seen on infants and people who have been involved in industrial mishaps. With the regular and thorough application of Chlorismooth, our new liquid flaw-searing solution, you can harness the same technology used to make rocket fuels to burn your skin problems away. Look for it in the secured closet the pharmacist is afraid to go near.
SMELL LIKE AN ATHLETE
Here at PopuCleanse, we have known for years that, counterintuitively, our customers believe that it is to their advantage to olfactorially resemble someone who has just spent two hours running at high speeds and crashing into the bodies of other people while rolling around on the ground. Mephitol, our leading deodorant brand, first took advantage of this in 1958, with its highly successful “Smell Like Bob Turley” campaign, and ever since then, we have been at the vanguard of sports-themed armpit defunkification. Our special Olympic-themed scents in 1992 and 1996 were incredibly popular (unlike our Special Olympic-themed scents in 2004, which didn’t go over quite as well), and we have also launched celebrated campaigns featuring such beloved athletes as Cammi Granato, Parker Kligerman, and Butterbean. But now, building on our success in 2009 with the “Concepts” Series, in which conceptual fragrance-branding was applied to competitive intangibles to create such memorable scents as Play Through the Pain, Training Table, and Good Effort Today, we are excited to roll out Mephitol’s SPORTIFEX line, in which you can actually smell like your favorite sport. Initially available in eight dynamic flavor-odors:
- Football
- Football (Not American Football, But Soccer)
- Foosball
- Pole Vault
- Indoor Field Hockey
- Kickboxing
- Lacrosse
- Competitive Eating
FOR THE PERSON INSIDE
Since its inception, PopuCleanse’s mission statement has been a simple one: assert the existence of odors emanating from your body that might cause social anxiety, and sell you products designed to conceal those odors. Up until now, we have focused almost exclusively on odors exuded by the exterior of the body (under-arms, groin adjacencies) or the near-exterior (the insides of the mouth and anus). But this year, our researchers and marketers have teamed up to tackle the final frontier of body odor masking products: the vast interior of the human body. Did you know that, according to research we commissioned from the non-partisan Mary In Product Development’s Nephew Research Institute, the liver is the stankiest of all organs? Did you know that in a survey conducted of people who might as well be you, 94% of respondents said they would rather eat poison than go around with a pair of yucky-smelling lungs? Did you know that in terms of things that will get you disinvited to all the best parties, the vast majority are, so to speak, coming from inside the house? That’s why we developed Organ Breeze, a delicious and effective oral tonic in six flavors, eight scents, and fifteen colors designed to keep all of your internal parts smelling alpine-fresh, 24 hours a day. It may not sound like a big deal, but do you really want to risk going to the hospital after a serious accident and having the surgeon flee the room, leaving you without medical attention in those critical moments that may spell the difference between life and death, because he opened you up and found out your peritoneum smells like a horse’s butthole? Stop worrying about how your viscera smell. Let us worry about that, and you worry about giving us $8.99 every 2-3 weeks. From PopuCleanse.