If only the eliminated contestants would disappear forever. If only I had written this in March when it had a tiny amount of relevance. If only I hadn’t filled out my actually NCAA brackets based on which team had the guys with the funniest names. So many regrets.
Cultural Conference, Round 1
Guy Who Bears An Irrational Hatred of Dubstep But Isn’t Quite Sure What It Is vs. Guy Whose Only Opinion About Music Is That It Hasn’t Been Any Good Since 1982
Guy Who Constantly Makes Incredibly Petty Factual Corrections Preceded With The Word “Actually” vs. Woman Who Thinks That Being A Stickler For Grammar Is The Same Thing As Being A Literary Critic
Guy Who Scornfully Shits All Over Anything That Is Popular vs. Guy Who Thinks He Is Super Brave And Hip For Liking Popular Things
Guy Who Gets Strangely Upset About The Casting Of Black Actors In Genre Fiction Films vs. Woman Who Is Angrily Defensive About Reading Nothing But Young Adult Novels
Guy Who Claims To Really Hate Furries But Also Knows An Alarmingly Large Amount Of Details About Them vs. Guy Who Quotes Immanuel Kant When Talking About Giant Robot Cartoons
Guy Whose Reaction To Everything Is To Quote South Park vs. Woman Who Spends 14 Hours A Day Writing Stories Where Male Space Aliens Have Tender Sex With One Another
Woman Who Counts The Number Of People Of Color In The Cast Of A Television Show Before Watching It vs. Guy Who Gets Super Angry About Spike Lee Even When Spike Lee Is Not The Topic Of Conversation
Guy Who Has Written 2,217 Wikipedia Entries About The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers vs. Guy Who Complains That Video Game Commercials Have Girls In Them
Lifestyle Conference, Round 1
Guy Who Has A Google Alert Set Up To Inform Him If Anyone Makes A Disparaging Comment About Esperanto vs. Guy Who Thinks That Buying Beer That Costs Less Than $3 A Six-Pack Makes Him An Outlaw Rebel Hero
Woman Who Believes That If She Constantly Updates Her “Oenophile” Blog No One Will Notice That She’s A Sloppy Drunk vs. Guy Who Has Written 28,000 Words On Hundreds Of Identical-Tasting Potato Chips
Guy Who Thinks Everyone Else Is Stoned vs. Guy Who Thinks Everyone Else Is Gay
Guy Who Is Having A Hard Time Making Ends Meet On His $475,000 Annual Salary vs. Woman Who Just Can’t Believe How Everyone But Her Raises Their Children
Guy Who Is Creepily Obsessed With Guns But Has Never Owned One Or Fired One vs. Woman Who Is Always Trying To Convince You That Her All-Raw Food Vegan Diet Is Way More Awesome Than Steak
Guy Who Always Calls Celebrities By Their First Name Like He’s Their Best Friend Or Something vs. Woman Who Comes Up With Hilarious Puns On Celebrities’ Names To Show How Much She Hates Them
Guy Who Doesn’t Think There’s Anything Unusual About The Fact That He Only Dates Asian Women vs. Woman Who Has A Bunch Of “Girl Crushes” But Does Not Actually Date Real Humans Of Either Sex
Guy Who Claims To Be A Wealthy Businessman Even Though All He Does Is Post On Comment Boards All Day vs. Guy Who Is Mad About Teenagers Who Get Enthusiastic About Things He Has Already Known About For Years
Political Conference, Round 1
Guy Who Uses The Internet At His State College To Complain About Government Spending vs. Guy Who Spells America With Three Ks
Guy Who Thinks That The Existence Of Michael Moore Invalidates 250 Years Of Progressivism vs. Woman Who Calls Ann Coulter A Cunt But Gets Bent Out Of Shape At Fat Jokes About Jonah Goldberg
Guy Who Still Gets Super Pissed About The Lawsuit Involving The Old Lady Who Got Burned By McDonalds Coffee vs. Guy Whose Trust Fund Pays For His Tuition At Columbia But Eats Out Of Dumpsters
Woman Who Isn’t Racist But vs. Guy Who Doesn’t Hate Gays He Is Just Saying That’s All
Guy Who Makes $20,500 A Year And Hates All Those Liberal Jerks Who Want To Tax The Rich vs. Woman Who Awkwardly Tries To Express Cultural Solidarity With Her Cleaning Lady
Guy Who Thinks We Can’t Give People Unemployment Insurance Because Of What Stalin Did vs. Guy Who Pretends That His All-Consuming Interest In Marijuana Has Something To Do With Medicine
Guy Who Thinks There’s No Political Issue That Can’t Be Solved By Nuking Something vs. Guy Who Longs For The Triumphant Return Of The Free Soil Party
Guy Who Haunts IMDB Message Boards Complaining That Every Movie Is Proof Of A Vast Liberal Conspiracy vs. Woman Who Thinks Politics Are Just Unpleasant And Why Can’t We All Just Talk About Nice Things
Miscellaneous Conference, Round 1
Guy Who Gets An Erection At The Mention Of The Apple OS vs. Guy Who Says There’s No Reason To Say That PCs Are Inferior Just Because They Crash A Lot And Are Buggy And Don’t Work Very Well
Woman Who Doesn’t Know How We Can All Sit Around Enjoying 30 Rock When KFC Is Engaged In A Poultry Holocaust vs. Woman Who Blames You Somehow For The Fact That She Thinks Her Kid Is Autistic
Guy Who Uses His Alleged ‘Skepticism’ To Complain That Muslims Are Subhuman Barbarians vs. Guy Who Wants To Know That If Evolution Isn’t A Crock How Come There Are Still Monkeys Answer Me That Smart Guy
Guy Who Thinks Anything With More Than Three Sentences Is Too Long To Read vs. Woman Who Thinks You Don’t Go To Heaven If You Don’t Spend 90% Of Your Waking Life Being Furiously Outraged At Something
Old Man Who Has Become Trapped In A Text Box And Cannot Formulate An Effective Escape Plan vs. Tween Girl Who Can Only Communicate By Means Of Emoticons
Guy Who Fought In Vietnam So If You Object To His Naked Bigotry You Are Disrespecting Our Heroes In Uniform vs. Guy Who Just Knows That He Would Have Been Really Nice To His Slaves If He’d Owed A Plantation
Guy Who Is Constantly Trying To Intellectualize His Enjoyment Of Sports vs. Woman Who Wants To Explain How Her Various Allergies And Neuroses Have Rendered Her Incapable Of Doing Anything But Complain
Woman Who Is Going To Leave In A Huff If You Don’t All Acknowledge How Adorable Her Children Are vs. Guy Who Is 24 Years Old But Unable To Make Any Cultural References To Things That Happened After Robocop
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Woman Who Spends 14 Hours A Day Writing Stories Where Male Space Aliens Have Tender Sex With One Another
Occasionally it’s rough sex. But always with a safeword.
(The safeword is ‘Tribble’)
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Guy Who Scornfully Shits All Over Anything That Is Popular FTW.
Yeah, this is why I typically just glaze over the comment section of a news story. Better shit to do all day then get caught up in flame wars, like running my successful business…..Oh shit I’ve become one of them.
JESUS WEPT.
<—- Woman Who Is Going To Leave In A Huff If You Don’t All Acknowledge How Adorable Her CATS Are