B-List: Music Has the Right to Chide You

THINGS YOU CAN DO TO JANIS JOPLIN’S HEART

1. Take it
2. Break it
3. Have it

THINGS IT IS NOT CLEAR WHETHER OR NOT YOU CAN DO TO JANIS JOPLIN’S HEART

1. Shake it
2. Bake it

THINGS YOU CAN’T DO TO JANIS JOPLIN’S HEART

1. Make it start beating again after a fatal heroin overdose

ELEMENTS OF KE$HA’S MORNING ROUTINE

1. Brushing teeth with bottle of Jack
2. Deodorizing armpits with canister of Mace
3. Styling hair with 40-gallon drum of crude oil
4. Wiping anus with box of Brillo pads
5. Douching vagina with spray bottle of Lemon Pledge

SONGS FEATURED ON LOU REED’S FORTHCOMING CHILDREN’S ALBUM

1. “Twinkle Twinkle Little Transsexual Prostitute”
2. “There Was an Old Woman Who Sold Me Cocaine”
3. “John Cale Was a Welshman”
4. “Ride a Horse Cock to Banbury Cross”
5. “Old McDonald Had a Farm But He Sold It to Fuel His Extremely Expensive Heroin Habit”

THINGS THAT ARE ON FIRE

1. Brian Eno’s baby
2. Bruce Springsteen
3. a wheel belonging to Robbie Robertson
4. Rock Master Scott’s roof
5. an unnamed female acquaintance of Debbie Harry

HOT SINGLES FROM AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE HARDCORE RAPPERS ARE OBSESSED WITH BALLOONS

1. “Balloon Betta Have My Money”, AMG
2. “Sophisticated Balloon”, Public Enemy
3. “Balloon in U”, Compton’s Most Wanted
4. “Cave Balloon”, Ice Cube
5. “Fuck a Balloon Cuz I’m Paid”, Master P

ORANGE COUNTY’S MOST POPULAR METALLICA COVER BANDS

1. Ritalica (Metallica cover band with Attention Deficit Disorder)
2. Medalliaca (Metallica cover band in the style of ’70s lounge acts)
3. Motellica (Metallica cover band that plays in the bar of the Costa Mesa Holiday Inn)
4. Mattelica (Metallica cover band consisting of old Masters of the Universe action figures)
5. Metastasize (Metallica cover band whose members all have advanced forms of cancer)