Hello The Internet I Love You: The Poetry of Charlie Sheen

Contrary to all the negative press he’s gotten the last week or so, Charlie Sheen makes perfect sense.  All he needs is the right editor.

MAGGOT HANDLE

This contaminated little maggot

Can’t handle my power

And can’t handle the truth.

 

FIRED KITTEN

Pussy

He’s not allowed to quit

So you’re fired.

 

OCTO-PAIN

I wish him nothing but pain

In his silly travels

Especially if they wind up in my octagon.

 

FISTS OF FIRE

Clearly I have defeated this earthworm

With my words

Imagine what I would have done

With my fire breathing fists.

 

MAGIC POEM

I’ve got magic and poetry

At my fingertips.

 

SLEEPING AIRPLANE

Most of the time

And this includes naps

I’m an F-18, bro

And I will destroy you in the air

And deploy my ordnance to the ground.

 

SSS

I have an army of assassins

And silent secret soldiers all around you.

 

NEWS SPECIAL

News flash

I am special

And I will never be one of you.

 

MIND CURE

I have a disease?

Bullshit

I cured it with my brain.

 

HEALING PROCESS

I embarrassed him in front of his children

And the world

By healing at a pace

That this un-evolved mind cannot process.

 

RECYCLING

I’ve spent

I think

Close to the last decade

I don’t know

Effortlessly and magically

Converting your tin cans into pure gold.

 

WINNING

There’s my life!

Deal with it!

‘Oh, wait, can’t process it.’

Losers!

Winning!

 

TOM CAT

I’m not Thomas Jefferson

He was a pussy

But I dare anyone to debate me on things.

 

YOU KNOW

He might be nails

But I’m frickin’ bayonets

You know

I’m a battle tested man.

 

FREE CRYSTAL

That’s life

There’s nobility in that

There’s focus

It’s genuine

It’s crystal

And it’s pure

And it’s available to everybody.

 

FUNNY RHYME

Funny how sleep rhymes with sheep

You know

Anyway.

 

BELT BUSINESS

I think everybody’s got a black belt

And a gun

So I don’t get in anybody’s business.

 

SANDWICH WALK

I should have been walking into sandwiches

Massages

And handjobs

Yeah, I said it!

 

CHEST REGRET

I don’t have a tuxedo that fits anymore

Because my chest and biceps are too big.

 

GNARLY

Find the most comfortable seat in the house

Lean back and watch

It’s about to get really gnarly!

 

REAL DEAL

The first one was a show

The second one was a con

And this one is the real deal.

 

ON A DRUG

I’m on a drug

It’s called Charlie Sheen

It’s not available

If you try it once, you will die.

 

SPECIAL DNA

It was written for normal people

People that aren’t special

People that don’t have tiger blood

You know

Adonis DNA.

 

WINNING II

I’m bi-winning

I win here

I win there.

 

DRINK A MILK

Stay off the crack

Drink a chocolate milk

Enjoy your moment

That’s all I got.