Where Comedy Goes To Die: Your Drunk Friend Explains How To Make IBA Cocktails On New Year’s Eve

MANHATTAN. “Okay this one is easy.  It’s what you call a basic, a basic cocktail.  You take a whiskey, a rye whiskey, and vermouth, and a cherry.  And there you ugh!  Sorry, there you go!  It’s easy!  It was named after the Manhattan cocktail.  I mean, the Manhattan Hotel.  In Cocktail.  New York.”

BLACK RUSSIAN. “This exactly, exactly like a Why Russian except to have milk.  The Why Russian has milk and the Black Russian doesn’t.  Have milk.  Oh, besides the milk!  That’s vocka and Seven-Up.  No, not Seven-Up, it’s the…Kahlua.  Vocka and Kahlua and ice.  And then milk or not.”

HARVEY WALLBANGER. “Okay, listen, you guys, no, listen.  This one is really compac, complicated, because it’s yellow and yellow cocktails don’t occur in nature.  So this one you have to have science.  Plus you need this Italian liqueur, I can’t remember, shut up.  No.  It’s not that.  That’s a pasta.  No.  This is different.  It’s Aquaregia.  No.  Alli…Galliano!  It’s Galliano and vocka and OJ.  That’s it!  You just put ’em together with science.”

CUBA LIBRE. “This is, this is just a fancy name for a rum and Coke.  Fuck this drink.  It’s all plictical correctness.”

AMERICANO. “Oh that one is easy.  You just have a Galliano, no Campari.  SHUT UP you have a Campari and soda and then you add vermouth, but this is super important you guys come on this is serious, this part is serious.  No.  I’m not going to say.  I don’t know why you ask me if you doan wanna know.  Why don’t you ask your girlfriend what it is.  No I’m fine, shut up, God, just forget about it.  Anyway red vermouth, and Campari and soda, that’s an Americano.  And then if you add gin it’s a Negroni!  Oh shit, what did I say?  Did I say it right?  Fucking shit.  Do you think he heard me?”

RUSTY NAIL. “Okay.  Okay.  This — no, I’m fine.  Jussa second.  No.  Listen.  This is a, import.  Important.  The russy nail is a afterninner, after dinder drink.  Shit.  Wait, okay, wait.  Ohfffuck.  Okay.  I’m good now.  Thissa rusty nail, after dinner mint.  It’s just Scotch and Drambuie.  Can I what?  Sure, I can.  Yes.  D-R-M-U-E-Y.  That’s what I said!  No!  That’s the same thing!  Well, fuck you, Terry.”

PLANTER’S PUNCH. “What?  What? What is it called?  No, you!  I’m talking to — why would I be asking you?  Are you…what?  A panther punch?  What are you saying?  A panther punch?  There’s no such thing.  No there isn’t.  I heard what you said.  I don’t know where you got that from.”

LONG ISLAND ICED TEA. “Ahruuuuuuuuuuuuaccch.   Broooooaaaaph.   NO I’M FINE.  Jesus.  Fine.  I’ll be out in a guaaaaarccccggghgh.  Paugh.”

GIBSON. “Gisson is.  Jus’ martini with onion.  I gotta sleep.  Lemme sleep.  Whattimeissit.  Ahffuck it’s not even 11.”

GRASSHOPPER. “No, you guys, I’m serious.  Lissen to me.  Please.  Thissimportant.  If I die. Okay?  I am serious.  I am.  No.  Please listen.  If I die.  I want you to know that this was the best year I ever had and and I wannit to die with my best friends.  You are the people I want to die with.  Green crème de menthe, white crème de cacao, light dairy cream in equal measures, shaken with ice, serve in a cocktail glass.  Is Susie here?  I WANT TO DIE IN FRONT OF YOU SUSIE”

BLOODY MARY. “This is your drink.  Your breakfast drink.  Oh my God you guys we should all go get breakfast!  I’m serious, I would fucking kill for some hash brown and eggs right now, is there a Denny’s near here?  Or do they close on holidays?  You guys!  You guys!  We should all meet for breakfast every New Year’s Day on Denny’s!  At Denny’s!  What time is it?”

ORGASM. (laughs convulsively for two and a half minutes, then passes out)