Lots o’ Soda: Coke

I drink a lot of soda, because I am a doomed consumerist pawn.  Occasionally I will review them in this space.  And what better place to start than with Coca-Cola, the Platonic ideal of non-alcoholic beverages?  The descendant of Georgia druggist John Stith Pemberton’s formulation for French Wine Coca is my absolute favorite drink in the whole wide worl’.  There is literally no time at which I would not want to drink a Coke, and that includes times that I am already drinking one, or drinking something else, or am asleep.  If I were not already a world-class fat-ass who spends most of his time in a walking diabetic coma, I would gladly have a transfusion to replace my blood with this sweet brown bubbly junk.  Some people hate Coke, and think it tastes like puked-up battery acid; these people are called ‘Communists’ and it is their job to destroy fun.  Other people claim that the love of Coca-Cola is not sincere, but rather the product of over a century of relentless marketing; but let’s remember that there are two kinds of people in the world:  those who are influenced by advertising, and liars.  Still more people point out that this fizzy, delicious blend of kola nut and orange flavoring has helped ruin the health and well-being of millions.  To them, I can only reply:  mmmmm, delicious Coca-Cola!  I’ll have two, please.  Global capitalist hegemony has never tasted so yummy!