LITTLE-SEEN FILM CREDITS
- The producers would like to thank the Film Commission of Pocatello, Idaho
- Six animals were injured in the making of this film
- Promotional services provided by the Lucchese Organized Crime Syndicate
- Jack Valenti can eat a big fat dick
- Un film de Donny Most
EMERGING CINEMATIC SCHOOLS
- Burnercore (video recording found on discarded disposable cell phones)
- Islamist New Wave (Saudi religious epics filmed with the lens cap still on to avoid blasphemy)
- Avontronica (Shakespeare adaptations improvised by German clubgoers who have never read any of his plays)
- Retroattiva (multi-million-dollar big screen adaptations of little-known Italian children’s television programs)
- 2-D (animated films in which the action, plot, and dialogue are all written down on a piece of paper)
RECENTLY UNEARTHED FILMS NOIR
- Death Rides the Escalator
- The Curious Wart Patterns of Dr. Mihalopoulos
- Long Night in the Glove Box
- Dark Flatulence
- Aggravated Assault With Intent To Rob, She Typed
UPCOMING UWE BOLL PROJECTS
- Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing – The Movie
- BloodRayne IV: It’s Rayneing Men
- My Lunch Break With Kristanna Loken
- ThunderBoll
- Untitled Uwe Boll Project That is About a Zombie Hitler Coming Back to Wreak Havoc on a Haunted Cabin Full of Film Critics Who Have Been Trapped by a Storm Only the Zombie Hitler is Also Cthulhu and is Played by Uwe Boll
DIRECTORS WHO HAVE TURNED DOWN A CHANCE TO HELM AN ADAPTATION OF CATCHER IN THE RYE, AND WHY
- Martin Scorsese (studio told him Harvey Keitel is too old to play Holden Caulfield)
- Todd Solondz (script not depressing and hopelessly angst-ridden enough)
- Abbas Kiarostami (material is way too fast-paced and flashy)
- Victor Fleming (died two years before novel was completed)
- Zack Snyder (felt original source featured too few slow-motion decapitations)
Now I’m kind of sad avontronica isn’t a real thing.