A Minor Place

Coming this fall from FOX — the smallest reality show ever will also be the biggest!

From the producers of Zero-Sum Dating, Slut-Shame Mansion and World’s Most Abusive Husbands comes the series that everyone said we couldn’t do. Too daring, said the suits. Too risky, said the censors. Too clearly in violation of local, state and federal child endangerment statutes, said the lawyers. But we did it anyway! On September 22nd, FOX-TV presents: Romper Room Confidential!

What is Romper Room Confidential? Well, to start with, it’s FOX — and that means it’s got “attitude”, and is “outrageous”, and so forth. Second, it’s not just about people like you; it’s about people like you, only much smaller! No, not midgets. For midget-based reality programming, please watch our other fine programs The Littlest Virgin, Mr T. & Tiny, and Monkey-Dwarf Aerosol Fight. We’re talking about children! For this unique and outrageously attitudinal experiment in life-based television, we’ve taken a dozen toddlers, preschoolers, kindergarteners and infants and locked them together in a classroom in a struggling inner city with minimal adult supervision and no script, and let the cameras roll. What will happen next? Only one way to be sure.

Romper Room Confidential isn’t like any reality show you’ve ever seen before. (That means you, unnamed lawsuit plaintiffs.) But it’s also like every reality show you’ve ever seen before! We’re not only bringing back the “house-you-can’t-leave” concept of Big Brother and the “sleazeball escapades in a remote location” aspect of Hotel Paradise; we’re also forcing these preadolescents to pass a number of grueling challenges each week a la Survivor.  We’re demanding that they compete in a talent competition judged by bitchy British smugness tycoon Simon Cowell; we’ll be confronting them with their deepest, darkest fears each morning at 3 A.M, through an extremely loud public address system.; we’ll be randomly marrying at least four of them off to one another or selected contest winners; and occasionally, a confused and desperate celebrity from the 1980s will be dropped into the island via the air vents for no particular reason whatsoever and forced to fend for him- or herself with only this gaggle of exhausted, terrified and maritally troubled children to rely on! Plus, you, the viewer, get to vote one of the little bastards off the show every week, and you have a chance to send your own child, eight years old or younger, to replace whoever gets voted off. Hell, if the ratings start to slide, we’ll send them on a road trip where they have to drive the cars themselves, or bring in a sex criminal who didn’t make the cut on To Catch a Predator if we have to! We’ll send a quintet of overpaid homosexuals in to make over their jumpers! We’ll rip off whatever it takes to get you to watch this show!

But We here at FOX realize that in the end, no matter how many attitudically outragenous tricks and gimmicks a reality show features, it won’t win an audience unless the “cast” is interesting. Well, let us assure you: this is the nastiest bunch of niños ever to be forced in front of a camera! Don’t take our word for it — look for yourself:

LEWIS. This all-American blond hunk is five and fabulous — and he’s here for just one reason: to love the ladies! When he’s not eating Cracker Jack, he’s puttin’ on the mack — or as he likes to put it, “I like to play with girls!” Sure you do, Lew, you smoothie!

REBECCA. Only three shows into filming, our producers already had bad, bad Becky picked as the queen bitch of Romper Room Confidential. Why? Just look at that red hair! Oh, sure, she likes to play all innocent, like when she tearfully asks her roommate (outrageous six-year-old “urban” diva DaShonda), “Why did the camera man call me a whore?” But deep inside, we know she’s a she-wolf in blue polka-dots.

VAUGHN. Everybody loves a clown — but how much? Vaudeville Vaughn is hoping to laugh his way to victory with patented routines like “Sock Puppet Fun Time”, “Crazy Dinosaur Doll”, and “My Mommy Takes Night-Night Pills”, but his devil-may-care attitude might just make him Public Enemy Number One in the arts & crafts room of Lee ‘Scratch’ Perry Elementary School. Will he ever turn off the act and turn on the real Vaughn? Not if the methylhexanamine we put in his sippy cup holds out!

ALICE. Tiny Alice is a scrappy underdog who never gives up despite her small stature. Forming an oddball alliance with Trent (who, pushing eight, is the grand old man of the gang), she loves for people to underestimate her — the more they say a sixteen-month-old child can’t possibly master the intricate strategies needed to win Romper Room Confidential, the happier she is. Keeping her master plan close to her inflatable Dora the Explorer vest, Alice will only admit: “Dog! Bah-bah! Bunny.”

Don’t miss a single minute of this incredible new reality show — we could be yanked off the air by the FCC at any time. This summer on FOX, Romper Room Confidential: reality cut down to size.