I Killed Your Children

Many young people recently of drinking age have asked me, in aid of attempting to ‘class up’ their weekend brunches and cock-tail parties, what are the proper ingredients of a Bloody Mary?

Well, first of all, it doesn’t count as brunch if you and your stupid friends manage to find a McDonald’s that will still serve breakfast when you recover from your hangover at 4 P.M. on Sunday.  Second, you have to have more than a case of Three Buck Chuck and some PBR Lite for it to be a cocktail party.  And third, you didn’t ask, but for goodness’ sake, what is going in with you and mustaches?  It’s just hair on your face.  It’s not an accomplishment.  Anyway, here is how to make a Bloody Mary.

1.  In a jumbo cocktail shaker, milkshake blender, or concrete mixer, combine three parts vodka with six parts low-sodium V-8 juice.  Whirl until molecularly bonded.

2.  Go to the bathroom.  Turn out the lights and look in the mirror.  Chant three times:  “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, I will not taint you with flavored vodka.”  The ghost of Pyotr Arsenievich Smirnov will appear and deliver a brief advertisement for Twisted V Watermelon Malt Beverage in Russian.

3.  In the bowl of a Black & Decker industrial-strength blender, place seven rotations of ground pepper; a vampiresworth of Tabasco salt; one teaspoon of Lea and Perrin’s Worcestershire sauce; and a 15C homeopathic dilution of beef broth.  Add the V8/vodka combination and blend on setting #8 (“Fluff”) for 18.3 seconds.

4.  Place the mixture in a 64-ounce tumbler filled to the halfway point with fresh cracked ice, a bar spoon, and a non-flexible straw in muted earth tones.

5.  Garnish with, at minimum, the following items.

• one wheel each of lemon, lime, kiwi, and a melon of contrasting color
• a Vietnamese bamboo skewer piercing at least five varieties of olive
• a waterproof sheaf in which is held a small, sharp utility knife
• a lamb kebab
• a small tapas plate of melted Abredo cheese and emberzáu sausage
• one untrimmed organic wax bean
• a pat of unsalted French butter sculpted into the likeness of a major pretender to a European throne
• a breakfast burrito containing chorizo, egg, potato, cheese, and fresh salsa
• a plastic replica of a celery stick, purchased from a Japanese firm specializing in display food
• pickled okra, green tamarind, cauliflower, bitter gourd, or Armenian cucumber
• pepper, pepperoni, peperoncini, or pepper pot panini
• an airtight canister of gumbo filé
• a generous dash of saltpeter
• one sprig each of mint, bay laurel, orris root, parsley and screwpine
• a sleeve containing at least three ounces of the aromatic Tibetan rice of your choosing (uncooked)
• 3 micro-seves of pineapple mogumbo (Flistani varieties only, in season)
• a small-caliber but fully loaded handgun of Italian manufacture
• a large dollop of whipped cream
• taco meat
• a survival knife on which is skewered one cube each of Spam and Treet, a slice each of Sizzlean and Steak-umm, and a Clif Bar

6.  Encrust the rim of the tumbler with Bogorian lake salt, crushed garlic, and a light spraying of permethrin.

7.  Enjoy in good health!  If you do not have all ingredients, or if it is one second past 10:00 A.M. in your time zone, have some coffee and a shot of bourbon instead.